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Old 08-06-2005, 11:15 AM   #26
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Excellent , Heres one for ya...not dirty but funny

From 0 to 200 in 4 seconds


A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He
wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the 'Think before you say things to your wife
foundation', Dallas, Texas.
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Old 08-06-2005, 01:04 PM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marycat
Excellent , Heres one for ya...not dirty but funny



From 0 to 200 in 4 seconds



A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He
wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the 'Think before you say things to your wife
foundation', Dallas, Texas.

I LOVE THIS ONE!!!!!
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Old 08-07-2005, 11:48 AM   #28
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Another good one....


Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their
car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told themthey'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled . .
"Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the are! a when he noticed
the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them
when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"Two Fallen Angels .... Seeking Peter -- $50.00
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Old 08-16-2005, 11:44 PM   #29
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by marycat
Excellent , Heres one for ya...not dirty but funny



From 0 to 200 in 4 seconds



A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He
wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the 'Think before you say things to your wife
foundation', Dallas, Texas.

I agree with Wiggles. This is a good one.
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Old 08-18-2005, 06:38 AM   #30
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A wife comes home early from work one day only to find her husband in
bed with a strange woman.

"That's it!" she screams at him. "I'm leaving you and never coming
back."

The husband says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"

She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story. But this won't do
you any good!"

He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young
lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying.

I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my
house.

She climbed into my truck and I brought her home.

She took a shower and I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you
anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you two years ago that
you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only twice.
I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you
never touched last night.

Then I showed her to the door. She was so grateful for all these things
she thanked me profusely. But then, just as she was about to leave,

She turned around and asked me........

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"
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Old 08-18-2005, 06:47 AM   #31
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hahahahahahahahahahaha...... I like that one MaryCat...... Wiggles and Dave will appreciate that one I'm sure..
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Old 08-18-2005, 07:06 AM   #32
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Default Oh brilliant

Quote:
Originally Posted by marycat
A wife comes home early from work one day only to find her husband in
bed with a strange woman.

"That's it!" she screams at him. "I'm leaving you and never coming
back."

The husband says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"

She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story. But this won't do
you any good!"

He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young
lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying.

I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my
house.

She climbed into my truck and I brought her home.

She took a shower and I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you
anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you two years ago that
you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought and wore only twice.
I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you
never touched last night.

Then I showed her to the door. She was so grateful for all these things
she thanked me profusely. But then, just as she was about to leave,

She turned around and asked me........

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"
Oh brilliant I,ll print that and keep it for the future nice one
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Old 08-18-2005, 07:08 AM   #33
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Default Brilliant

Quote:
Originally Posted by marycat
Excellent , Heres one for ya...not dirty but funny



From 0 to 200 in 4 seconds



A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He
wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the 'Think before you say things to your wife
foundation', Dallas, Texas.

Brilliant where you getting these from!
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Old 08-18-2005, 11:19 AM   #34
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Here's one that's not dirty, but may be offensive. Be warned. I thought it was hilarious.

A man receives a call from the emergency room at the local hospital telling him to come in right away, that his wife has been in a terrible accident. The man drives like the wind across town to get there, the dread buidling every minute.

He arrives at the hospital and inquires about his wife's condition. He's told he'll need to speak with the doctor. In a few minutes, the doctor steps out and asks the man to step into his office. The doctor tells the man to sit down.

The doctor says: "You're wife was in a horrible accident. Broadsided by a truck as she tried to turn into the grocery store parking lot. The ambulance was called right away and they worked heroically to keep her alive. Her injuries are grievous. She is comtaose, paralyzed from the neck down and has no control over any of her bodily functions. She will require constant care - you'll need to feed, clean, turn and bath her for the rest of her life."

The man's heart sank. Seeing the man's distress, the doctor puts a hand on the man's shoulder and says: "Cheer up! I'm just fucking with you...she died on the way to the hospital."
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Old 08-18-2005, 08:14 PM   #35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hotdave4u
Brilliant where you getting these from!
I have lots of family members that keep me laughing
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Old 08-23-2005, 03:05 PM   #36
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where does a bee put its stinger at night......


In his honey!
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Old 08-27-2005, 02:49 PM   #37
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Not dirty, but fun....


Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
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Old 08-27-2005, 05:21 PM   #38
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lol
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Old 08-27-2005, 07:38 PM   #39
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No Wool Downstairs

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.

When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."

The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or have sex?"
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Old 08-27-2005, 07:39 PM   #40
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Horny Young Man

A horny young man went to a brothel...The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.

Madam, "On the first floor, we have the ex-models... they are all slinky and sexy... On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses...they are all buxom and beautiful... On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers....they..."

Man, "Say no more! Lead me to the third floor."

Madam, "Are you sure... I'm surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses."

Man, "It's obvious, ma'am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you're perfect at it."
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Old 08-27-2005, 07:40 PM   #41
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3 Birds Get Lucky


Three birds are flying over head when one spots a dove. He swoops down, picks up the dove and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes, the dove comes out and says, "I'm a dove and I've been loved!"

The birds continue on. A little later the second bird sees a lark. He swoops down, picks it up and goes into the bushes. A few minutes, the lark comes out and says, "I'm a lark and I've been sparked!"

The birds continue on. A little later the third sees a duck. He swoops down, picks it up and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes the bird comes out, then goes back in. Then the duck comes out and says, "I'm a drake and there's been a big mistake!"
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Old 08-27-2005, 07:42 PM   #42
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[b]Love At Nudist Camp[b]

The young couple were holding hands in the Sunshine Gardens nudist camp.

"When I tell you I love you," he asked, "why do you always lower your eyes?"

"To see if it's true," she answered shyly
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Old 08-27-2005, 07:44 PM   #43
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Wedding Night


The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile."

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy."
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Old 08-27-2005, 07:46 PM   #44
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Lady In A Pharmacy


lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," he answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.

"I can if I take two," he answered.
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Old 08-27-2005, 07:48 PM   #45
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41 Things Men Know

41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

3 . Don't cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil.

26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?

33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

41. Anyone can buy condoms.
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Old 08-27-2005, 07:49 PM   #46
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Scientists say

Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long. Since the average length of a penis is about 6 inches, the average girl receives 216 inches of penis or 18 feet of penis per intercourse.

If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 18 feet of penis makes 2808 feet, or just over a half mile of penis per year.

If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting 2808 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 165,672 feet, or 55,224 yards, or a little over 31 miles of penis in your lifetime.

Anyone whose getting more than that, well, yer just a big ol s*!&.
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Old 08-27-2005, 09:01 PM   #47
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18 Things Not To Say

18 things not to say to your pregnant wife.

1. I finished the Oreo's.

2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.

3. Y'know, to look at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!

4. I hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!

5. Darned if you aren't five pounds away from a surprise visit from Richard Simmons.

6. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.

7. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!

8. I'm so jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?

9. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?

10. Get your *own* ice cream.

11. Geez, you look awfully puffy today.

12. Got milk?

13. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Theresa?

14. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!

15. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...

16. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your butt!

17. Well, can't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!

18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...
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Old 08-27-2005, 09:02 PM   #48
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That Question!
The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.

One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper "Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"

Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."
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Old 08-27-2005, 09:03 PM   #49
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Soup or Sex?

A woman, completely fed up with her husbands AOL obsession finally takes matter into her own hands.

One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor.

She pulls open the jacket and yells, "Time for Super Sex"!!!!!.

He ignores her. So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex" "Super Sex" "Super Sex".

Finally, he replies, "Ok, I'll take the soup."
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Old 08-27-2005, 09:06 PM   #50
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Help She's Drowning!

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw his wife flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up.

The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I"ll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?
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