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Everyday Life For Married Couples A forum for couples to chat about your everyday married life. This would be a good place for women and men to get to know eachother.

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Old 08-11-2007, 03:26 PM   #51
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I guess it all comes down to the fact that I am currently focusing on taking control of my depression. That is the next step, and that is what I'm handling at the moment. What happens next? Who knows... time will tell. At this point I can only handle one major step at a time. That is the depression. I know I have it, I am taking steps to control it.

After that is controlled, I will look at my marriage and decide how I feel about it and what changes need to be made, and if they are possible.
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Old 08-11-2007, 03:30 PM   #52
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Originally Posted by PhoenixFlirt
I guess it all comes down to the fact that I am currently focusing on taking control of my depression. That is the next step, and that is what I'm handling at the moment. What happens next? Who knows... time will tell. At this point I can only handle one major step at a time. That is the depression. I know I have it, I am taking steps to control it.

After that is controlled, I will look at my marriage and decide how I feel about it and what changes need to be made, and if they are possible.
Well done sounds like you have taken the first step..( which is always the hardest...)
Am sure you will find support on this site.. as well as some good fun.......
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Old 08-11-2007, 10:13 PM   #53
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Well done sounds like you have taken the first step..( which is always the hardest...)
Am sure you will find support on this site.. as well as some good fun.......
Already making friends and have gotten alot of good info, I'm loving it here
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Old 08-11-2007, 10:14 PM   #54
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Can I be your friend to?
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Old 08-11-2007, 10:16 PM   #55
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Can I be your friend to?
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Old 08-11-2007, 10:16 PM   #56
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Is that a yes
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Old 08-11-2007, 11:28 PM   #57
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You absolutely are not pleasing everyone. You missed yourself. Sounds to me like you need a little break. When was the last time you took a friend and split for a few days? Fly to SF, rent a car, and drive to wine country. You could stay at a spa, go on some winery tours, eat some great food, and then collect your thoughts. When the shit piles up we all have trouble expressing ourselves. You have to catch your breath so you can figure out if you want to talk and if you do what you want to say.

By the way, opinions (including mine) are like assholes..........
Your ideas are very useful and helpful..never like assholes..
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Old 08-12-2007, 04:30 AM   #58
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Lots here have been in the same place, recognizing it like you have done is a huge step and means you will be able to get yourslef to a good place

its always darkest befoe the dawn ...
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Old 08-12-2007, 08:15 AM   #59
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Originally Posted by PhoenixFlirt



I feel that my husband smothers me and controls me. However, when I try to confront him with this, I come up with a blank and can't justify my accusations. So here is a typical day, see if anyone can help me figure out what is wrong with this picture.

I wake up to my alarm (soft music playing on my alarm clock). I start to get out of bed, and hubby rolls over asking for a morning hug. I either A. grudgingly give him one and hurry out of bed or B. say I need to pee and hurry out of bed. What is it about the hug that bothers you? Do you feel he is not worthy of you to get a hug from you or that he is too demanding by wanting a hug every morning?
Then I have my only alone time of the day (usually). I go in the bathroom, brush my teeth, wash my face, etc, for about 15 minutes. Then I have to wake up my husband and daughter by a certain time so they can get ready for school/work. My daughter has started with an alarm clock, so she is usually up, but my husband refuses an alarm clock, saying he prefers me to wake him. Ok, so finish getting my daughter ready, hubby makes us lunches if needed, I grab my coffee and off to work.
As a present to him, get him his own alarm clock and tell him you no longer are his alarm clock because you have housework to do and don't have the time nor do you want him to be late. That will help you to break this control he is holding over you.
Now I get my 30 to 40 minutes of alone time driving... oh boy that's relaxing. Find some music that you enjoy that relaxes you. As stressful as it is to have to rush to work and deal with the crazy drivers out there, at least subliminally, you would have some nice relaxing music to listen to that could calm your nerves a bit. Don't get me started on work. I hate my job, I do everything here, am underpaid for doing three people's jobs... etc. The second I get to work, I have to, in some way, let my husband know I made it in ok. End that situation immediately. Just tell him that you are too busy and you need to concentrate on your job and it is foolish. Again, once you put your foot down, it will reduce your stress. Some employers don't allow their employees to use the internet, if need by, bring that up that it may be putting your job in jeopardy if need be. Plus, since you hate your job so much, give it a hard look if that is a place you want to continue to work! I don't know what you do or the financial ramifications of changing your job but having to go to a job you hate is really taking its toll on you, more than you can imagine. Long term stress has lead you to your depression and now you feel it, if you haven't already. Think hard on this and change your job situation, if you can.
Whether that be signing on to yahoo, or sending him an email. He doesn't want to worry about me getting in an accident on the way to work... yeah ok.

So, during the entire day, he IMs me.Just don't respond. You are too busy. Lately its been "are you in a mood" or "is work killing you" or "am I annoying you today". Frankly, I am so sick of worrying about my moods and what to say or not say, and how pissed off I am at work, without showing it... I want to explode. Now you must understand that no one else has any clue whatsoever that I am miserable inside. My husband knows now, but anyone else that I come in contact with, would have no clue. No one work would know unless I say something. I have one lady at work that knows a little about my situation, but not the entire story. Most employers nowadays have an EAP, employee assistance program, that they can call. Look into it, it is worth it and usually doesn't cost anything.

I am a Gemini. I am the queen of hiding what I feel inside, and only showing what I know people want to see. Ok so where was I... oh yeah, work IMs... more blah blah. Now, occasionally, I get IMs from people other than my husband. Let me tell you how much this makes my day!! Until.... it ends up being some guy holding his *bleep* wanting me to "help" him. Ok go away now.

Ok so sex... I have lost all interest in doing anything physical with my husband.. AT TIMES. Now these times are usually when I am pissed off about something or other he has done, that, again, I have no knowledge how to formulate into a cognitive thought, so I say nothing. And these times have been more and more frequent over the years, to the point that now, I don't want sex at all... ever... I could live without forever. And I used to love sex.

Ok my hands hurt from typing, so I'm gonna close this for now. I will maybe add more at another time. If you have questions, or a direction I should go with this... please ask. I am so leaning towards a divorce... but I have to "fix me" first. I have depression, am going to a psychologist soon to get it worked out. Temporarily, I put a band aid on our situation by saying I want to get my depression under control first... dunno when that will be and I'm tired of being miserable...Depression can't be fixed over night so you need to take baby streps to et yourself back on track. You are doing a great thing already by realizing you needed to fix yourself first. YOU are the most important part of this puzzle, getting yourself back on track. The meds that are out there are pretty good nowadays. Make sure your doctor is prescribing something that isn't giving you crazy side effects or that isn't working for you. They are not all alike so talk to him about what you are feeling when you are on them to make sure you are getting something that is truly helping you. Once you get yourself back on track, you will find it easier to deal with these other stressors in your life and you can go one by one and reduce or eliminate them. Sit down with the hubby and tell him how he contributes to your unhappiness and what you have been going through. If he loves, which it appears he does, he will change his behavior to accomodate your happiness. We are all like old dogs but being humans, we can learn new tricks! Break us of our bad habits.
I wish you luck in your pursuit of happiness. It sounds like you have already taken steps to get back on track so keep plugging, we are all in your corner, here. If you need to vent some more, go for it! We don't mind and all want to help out our "family and friends" here at M and F. Good Luck, hun, and keep your chin up!
So anyway and thanks for reading my book.
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Old 08-12-2007, 10:57 AM   #60
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As far as the hug goes, I think its just the fact that I'm grumpy in the mornings and don't want to give one, lol. I need time to wake up before having personal contacts.

I've talked to him about the alarm clock thing, and the only time it really bugged me was when he got upset that I woke him late... he promised not to do that again and be more understanding that some days take longer than others.

For the drive to work, I have bought CDs over the past couple of months that I do enjoy listening to in the car. That has helped the drive tremendously, I just thing its time for some more new ones, heh.

We've talked about the IMing at work, and he agreed to lay off, unless its something important, and he understands that there are days I will just be too busy to be on there. Most of the time I have a lot of free time at work, so its no big deal.

I am currently looking around for a new job. However I've been at this one for over 8 years, so its scary to just leave. I just want to find the right job before I throw this one away.

As far as the at work help thing, I'm not terribly comfortable going to my boss (who is our HR person) and asking about work help. I have my therapist setup now, so I don't think there is any reason to add work into it. I'd rather keep it separate.

I went through a few different medications with a couple of doctors. I've settled on wellbutrin for the time being. It seems to help mediate the drastic mood swings, and hasn't killed my sex drive off. So its all bonus for now My husband has changed alot over the past year, for the better. He's taken on most of the housework, to allow me more free time when I am home, and I know this.

Thanks for your wonderful post OIC
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Old 08-12-2007, 11:07 AM   #61
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You are definitely making great strides. I agree on the work front; unless the employer is so large there would never be any information back to your boss, the sad truth is it is likely to hurt you. I'd only say different if it is obvious at work that youa re struggling anyway, then, nothing to lose
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Old 08-12-2007, 11:09 AM   #62
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I agree she is making the right moves. I am going to print this post out to show my wife in depressed moods. Actually I am not but I would love to.
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Old 08-12-2007, 11:13 AM   #63
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Thanks guys, its nice to know that alot feel that I'm moving in the right direction. I think by staying here it will be easier to stay that path
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