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Everyday Life For Married Couples A forum for couples to chat about your everyday married life. This would be a good place for women and men to get to know eachother.

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Old 08-13-2007, 09:19 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by Guymisseswife
Then i just dont understand why if we agreed to discuss it as its happening to solve a depressed mood why she wont discuss it i guess. I know she needs space but at least say hey im in a depressed mood because of xxxxxxxxxxx and we can talk later ok.
One thing to remember is that for someone with clinical depression, she doesn't know the reason she is depressed! Remember that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. If she knew the reason what she might say is "Awe honey my serotonin levels are messed up again, I might need to call the doctor and increase the Lexapro!" (well that's what I would say, anyway...) Outside influences don't create those moods, chemicals do! She can't give you the reason anymore than she can fix it on her own! She needs the proper treatment and meds to fix this.
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Old 08-13-2007, 09:53 PM   #27
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One thing to remember is that for someone with clinical depression, she doesn't know the reason she is depressed! Remember that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. If she knew the reason what she might say is "Awe honey my serotonin levels are messed up again, I might need to call the doctor and increase the Lexapro!" (well that's what I would say, anyway...) Outside influences don't create those moods, chemicals do! She can't give you the reason anymore than she can fix it on her own! She needs the proper treatment and meds to fix this.
i am really starting to understand this and thank you.
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Old 08-13-2007, 10:00 PM   #28
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One thing to remember is that for someone with clinical depression, she doesn't know the reason she is depressed! Remember that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain. If she knew the reason what she might say is "Awe honey my serotonin levels are messed up again, I might need to call the doctor and increase the Lexapro!" (well that's what I would say, anyway...) Outside influences don't create those moods, chemicals do! She can't give you the reason anymore than she can fix it on her own! She needs the proper treatment and meds to fix this.
That's a very good post Annie, you are very knowledgeable on this matter, I think I'll be plugging your brain in the near future.
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Old 08-13-2007, 10:28 PM   #29
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MY wife is not depressed but had the big h surgery and now she's all screwed up with hormones. In the same boat different problem, I just support her the best I can and listen to her wishes. It's hard but it seems to aggravate the situation more if I try to force a converstaion about it.

Aa far as e-mails go, I would never send her one at work, about such a personal matter, for the simple fact you never know whom might see it. When we have these serious needs that make a conversation hard, what we have adapted is to write each other a letter. We just lay out our thoughts and opinions and don't expect a reply. That why we say what we need to so it doesn't get pent up and we know how the other feels without a forced converstaion. Works for us, and I hope this help some.
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Old 08-13-2007, 10:46 PM   #30
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That's a very good post Annie, you are very knowledgeable on this matter, I think I'll be plugging your brain in the near future.
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Old 08-13-2007, 10:50 PM   #31
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Old 08-14-2007, 12:35 AM   #32
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Having had significant experience with depression, I can appreciate the havoc it can raise in a relationship.

However - depression is also a handy, unmeasurable, and all too convenient excuse when someone wants to avoid communication, and doesn't want to contribute to the relationship any more. Claiming depression avoids all confrontations because, after all, it's not her fault, is it? And, oh by the way, it's a great way to get your spouse to kowtow to your wishes, too, because, after all, it's not her fault, and only a heartless imbecile wouldn't go to extraordinary lengths to help someone who is sick, would they? The fact that it gives the depressed absolute control of the relationship just happens to be a side benefit.

I don't know how you differentiate -- I can only wish you the best of luck.
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Old 08-14-2007, 10:19 AM   #33
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Thanks spare, lucily she has decided to communicate alot more recently, i just hope it continues.
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Old 08-14-2007, 10:44 AM   #34
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Guy, you seem like such a caring and considerate husband. I hope your wife knows how lucky she is to have you in her life, especially while she struggles with depression.

I've had some serious bouts of depression over the years, sometimes associated with hormone fluctuations, and also because of family history. I can tell you how hard it is to just get out of bed some days let alone articulate that feeling to a loved one. Sometimes stringing together a few words to form a logical sentence requires a Herculean effort let alone deciding which socks to wear.
Therapy helped tremendously, but as Annie said, it really is a chemical imbalance, and no amount to talking it out will change that. I'm not one to pop pills for every ache and pain, but I do believe that mood disorders require medical intervention. Once she finds a medication that works for her, then she'll be better equipped to handle daily routines and not feel overwhelmed by simple discussions and tasks.
The best thing you can do for her is give her time and quiet support. I know it's natural for men to want to fix things, especially when it comes to a loved one's problem, but you can't fix this. She should be discussing her mood swings, anxiety with her counsellor, not with you. Your role isn't to counsel her. Your role is to reassure her that you love her and will support her throughout this ordeal. And one of those ways is to give her space while she's at work. Another is to let her bring up the topic, not you.
I know how impossible that sounds. I know how much it hurts to just sit by and watch her struggle. I know you want your wife back the way she was. Trust me. A reassuring hug and a back rub while help her alot more than trying to get her to talk it out. Save that part for the counsellor.
You're a saint of a husband for caring so much, Guy, and for realizing that this is a valid medical concern and not just manipulation. She'll be just fine with a wonderful man like you in her corner.
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Old 08-14-2007, 10:48 AM   #35
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Guy, you seem like such a caring and considerate husband. I hope your wife knows how lucky she is to have you in her life, especially while she struggles with depression.

I've had some serious bouts of depression over the years, sometimes associated with hormone fluctuations, and also because of family history. I can tell you how hard it is to just get out of bed some days let alone articulate that feeling to a loved one. Sometimes stringing together a few words to form a logical sentence requires a Herculean effort let alone deciding which socks to wear.
Therapy helped tremendously, but as Annie said, it really is a chemical imbalance, and no amount to talking it out will change that. I'm not one to pop pills for every ache and pain, but I do believe that mood disorders require medical intervention. Once she finds a medication that works for her, then she'll be better equipped to handle daily routines and not feel overwhelmed by simple discussions and tasks.
The best thing you can do for her is give her time and quiet support. I know it's natural for men to want to fix things, especially when it comes to a loved one's problem, but you can't fix this. She should be discussing her mood swings, anxiety with her counsellor, not with you. Your role isn't to counsel her. Your role is to reassure her that you love her and will support her throughout this ordeal. And one of those ways is to give her space while she's at work. Another is to let her bring up the topic, not you.
I know how impossible that sounds. I know how much it hurts to just sit by and watch her struggle. I know you want your wife back the way she was. Trust me. A reassuring hug and a back rub while help her alot more than trying to get her to talk it out. Save that part for the counsellor.
You're a saint of a husband for caring so much, Guy, and for realizing that this is a valid medical concern and not just manipulation. She'll be just fine with a wonderful man like you in her corner.
This is one of the sweetest things i have ever been told. you are so sweet and brought a tear to my eye. maybe 2. I a, really trying and i hope she realizes that. the advice i get here, i follow it and it is getting easier. still tough but easier for sure. thank you so much for being so sweet and having great words.
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Old 08-14-2007, 11:04 AM   #36
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It's touching to see how much this means to you, and how attentive you are to everyone's feedback.

I know how tough this is, my friend. Hang in there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Guymisseswife
This is one of the sweetest things i have ever been told. you are so sweet and brought a tear to my eye. maybe 2. I a, really trying and i hope she realizes that. the advice i get here, i follow it and it is getting easier. still tough but easier for sure. thank you so much for being so sweet and having great words.
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Old 08-16-2007, 03:37 PM   #37
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Ok so today appears to be the day. I get an im over yahoo and she breaks it off. says we are done. going to stay together and get bills paid off and things organized then go our seperate ways.
The problem i have is this..her counseling for depression starts next week. we just made a deal to get her depression controlled before we decide on us as a family with our child. she has decided to get the counseling but we are done as a hubby wife team. I am seriously disappointed that she can not at least give the counseling a try.
sure we will live together for a bit and get things under control like the bills and divorce agreement. she could change her mind before she leaves for good but i doubt it. I am sure i am not dealing with this very well. I am sure i am confused and cant think straight now.
I just wish i could have one wish in live....to have her wait and see how counseling is.
I have to let go, i know that. what choice do i have? none. i have no pride, no heart, no desire. i have my kids. that is all i have in this life now. and i am sad and hurt that she cant give counseling a try for us.

Further more... i have been nothing but a great husband. never cheat nothing. i do the cleaning the cooking and anything i can including making lunches for her and our child. i do everything to take all the stress off her so we can help her depression.
I guess i have failed as a husband and a man
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Old 08-16-2007, 03:57 PM   #38
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I may fade a bit from here since i am not married and flirting. well i am married technically...i have thinking to do
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Old 08-16-2007, 04:03 PM   #39
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Guymisseswife

I have to let go, i know that. what choice do i have? none. i have no pride, no heart, no desire. i have my kids. that is all i have in this life now. and i am sad and hurt that she cant give counseling a try for us.

Further more... i have been nothing but a great husband. never cheat nothing. i do the cleaning the cooking and anything i can including making lunches for her and our child. i do everything to take all the stress off her so we can help her depression.
I guess i have failed as a husband and a man
I know you must feel really, really bad.....don't give up just yet. Since you are staying together till things are in order...once she gets into counseling (which you will probably have to go with her now and then) maybe things will become clearer to her. Hang in there...you haven't failed...
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Old 08-16-2007, 04:06 PM   #40
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I know you must feel really, really bad.....don't give up just yet. Since you are staying together till things are in order...once she gets into counseling (which you will probably have to go with her now and then) maybe things will become clearer to her. Hang in there...you haven't failed...
maybe in a few days or weeks i will feel that way but right now i dont. I appreciate your words though
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Old 08-16-2007, 04:20 PM   #41
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Maybe this was an irrational thought on her part, maybe she is blowing off steam an anger? Remember the saying about hurting the ones we love the most? Earlier in my marriage I would lash at out my husband and rant about packing my shit and leaving, but I never did, it was something I said in anger in order to hurt him. I was hurting and wanted him to hurt too! I've learned a lot since then: to think things through before allowing them to go past my lips, that because I may be hurting doesn't give me the right to impose that pain onto another individual.

This may not be the case for ya'll, so just offering my point of view.
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Old 08-16-2007, 04:25 PM   #42
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i understand and hope yer right but i think i should prepare anyways in case
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Old 08-16-2007, 04:47 PM   #43
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Well, I am his wife. I found out last week that he is, in fact, my husband. We decided to play it off and leave it separate. However I see no need to do so any longer. I'm not going to justify my actions today. Basically, I'm just tired. Yes he is a nice guy, but do I stay married because he is a nice guy? I can't any more. I'm tired of being miserable half the time, and simply tolerating our marriage the other half.

It was wonderful getting to know you all, and I hope "Guy" will stay here, as he needs the ears more than I do.

You can go ahead and change your profile to be real now.
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Old 08-16-2007, 04:50 PM   #44
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i came here to get insight and found you posting here and we discussed it a week ago and indeed did decide to keep it between us. i am glad i found you posting here because i got to find out some of your issues. i am jsut sorry you could not give me the chance to work them out with you. I love you and am sorry i could not live up to your expectations. you will always be my good friend
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Old 08-16-2007, 04:51 PM   #45
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I am sorry to everyone that we did not tell you we were married. we had enjoyed good flirting and good insight to each other. we wanted to keep us quiet to keep us going, i guess that did not work
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Old 08-16-2007, 04:54 PM   #46
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PhoenixFlirt
Well, I am his wife. I found out last week that he is, in fact, my husband. We decided to play it off and leave it separate. However I see no need to do so any longer. I'm not going to justify my actions today. Basically, I'm just tired. Yes he is a nice guy, but do I stay married because he is a nice guy? I can't any more. I'm tired of being miserable half the time, and simply tolerating our marriage the other half.

It was wonderful getting to know you all, and I hope "Guy" will stay here, as he needs the ears more than I do.

You can go ahead and change your profile to be real now.
Oh my.....Not sure I like it that you two were playing us like this. Don't quite know what to say.

I do wish you well in whatever you decide is best for your family.
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Old 08-16-2007, 04:55 PM   #47
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We were not trying to play anyone. we just wanted to not bring it up and cause drama. i will leave on my own free will if you good people here want that
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Old 08-16-2007, 04:56 PM   #48
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Quote:
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Well, I am his wife. I found out last week that he is, in fact, my husband. We decided to play it off and leave it separate. However I see no need to do so any longer. I'm not going to justify my actions today. Basically, I'm just tired. Yes he is a nice guy, but do I stay married because he is a nice guy? I can't any more. I'm tired of being miserable half the time, and simply tolerating our marriage the other half.

It was wonderful getting to know you all, and I hope "Guy" will stay here, as he needs the ears more than I do.

You can go ahead and change your profile to be real now.
I had suspected that ya'll wer indeed husband and wife, but felt uncomfortable coming out and asking.

Phoenix I hope that the counseling works for you hun. From what you've both posted, I can see both sides here as I have walked in shoes similar to yours hun. I still have times when I don't know what it is that I truely want, not knowing what it would take for me to feel truely happy, I stuggle with those demons (as I call them) quite often.

My suggestion would be to take things slow, give your counseling and meds a chance to work, go to couples therapy. If when you are seeing things more clearly, you still don't feel happy in your marriage then would be the time to make that decision, not now imo. Maybe all of the above with a trial separation might help, instead up packing it in before the clarity is revealed???
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Old 08-16-2007, 04:57 PM   #49
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We were not trying to play anyone. we just wanted to not bring it up and cause drama. i will leave on my own free will if you good people here want that
We are not going to ask you to leave....if you need to be here then stay. Do whats best for you.
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Old 08-16-2007, 04:59 PM   #50
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Originally Posted by PhoenixFlirt
Well, I am his wife. I found out last week that he is, in fact, my husband. We decided to play it off and leave it separate. However I see no need to do so any longer. I'm not going to justify my actions today. Basically, I'm just tired. Yes he is a nice guy, but do I stay married because he is a nice guy? I can't any more. I'm tired of being miserable half the time, and simply tolerating our marriage the other half.

It was wonderful getting to know you all, and I hope "Guy" will stay here, as he needs the ears more than I do.

You can go ahead and change your profile to be real now.



Strange as it may be I sort of had an idea this was the case. I wish you both well and know that what ever you both decide to do with your marriage will be for the best for both of you. Good luck.
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