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Old 07-27-2008, 06:51 PM   #1
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Default Controlling Spouses

So here is a question for you all

What do you do with a spouse that wants to know everything you are doing, or wants to know who all your friends are.

Do you believe that you need private space?


My wife and I have an agreement that we can make friends with who ever we want as long as it does not interfere with our family.

I was wondering on this question because of some of my friends can't have friends because their spouse is so controlling.
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Old 07-27-2008, 06:53 PM   #2
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My husband and I have separate groups of friends. I don't associate with his and he doesn't even know mine.
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Old 07-27-2008, 06:57 PM   #3
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Well my spouse has spent years driving me crazy with jealousy over stupid things, monitoring our bank account, giving me the 3rd degree on friends and basically smothering me. I guess I "let it happen" by ignoring it or just not putting a stop to it until earlier this year. He even got to the point where I had to go to bed when he was or he couldn't sleep! At the point I was looking forward to him taking a sleeping pill so I could climb out of bed and go socialize I knew I needed to make a change. I finally told him there was no way I could live like this and things needed to change or our living arrangements would. I am much happier now that I took the stand and actually feel like I am doing a little better than existing in life now.
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Old 07-27-2008, 06:58 PM   #4
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My wife does know a few of my friends I talk to on here. It makes it so she does not get to jealous of my time.
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Old 07-27-2008, 06:58 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by sexytiger View Post
So here is a question for you all

What do you do with a spouse that wants to know everything you are doing, or wants to know who all your friends are.

Do you believe that you need private space?


My wife and I have an agreement that we can make friends with who ever we want as long as it does not interfere with our family.

I was wondering on this question because of some of my friends can't have friends because their spouse is so controlling.
Yes, I believe I need private space. My husband does not like any of my friends, does not like me spending time with my friends, does not like me talking to them, checks the phone bill to see who calls here and who I call questions every dollar I spend, even though I work full time....

As far as Duane is concerned, we are honest and upfront about who were are friends with. That way there is no reason to distrust.
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:00 PM   #6
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Good for you Sunny... we need to be able to have freedom in our lives
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:01 PM   #7
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We have our separate friends and some we share......
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:03 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by SunnyD View Post
Well my spouse has spent years driving me crazy with jealousy over stupid things, monitoring our bank account, giving me the 3rd degree on friends and basically smothering me. I guess I "let it happen" by ignoring it or just not putting a stop to it until earlier this year. He even got to the point where I had to go to bed when he was or he couldn't sleep! At the point I was looking forward to him taking a sleeping pill so I could climb out of bed and go socialize I knew I needed to make a change. I finally told him there was no way I could live like this and things needed to change or our living arrangements would. I am much happier now that I took the stand and actually feel like I am doing a little better than existing in life now.
My husband refuses to change...just ignores what I say and feel...and threatened to make my life miserable if I left
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:05 PM   #9
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That is an empty threat if you life is all ready miserable.
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:06 PM   #10
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We have our separate friends and some we share......

Sometimes I have to share friends even if I don't want to...
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:07 PM   #11
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That is an empty threat if you life is all ready miserable.
He threatened to take the kids away...and if that didn't work, to turn them away from me....
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:09 PM   #12
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My husband refuses to change...just ignores what I say and feel...and threatened to make my life miserable if I left
Mine threatened to kill himself and leave me to explain it all to the kids! Unfortunately, I could really see him doing something like that too. My hubby has grown up so much in the last 20 yrs and he is "family" to me, but after raising him I just am not "in love" with him like I need to be happy! Only time will tell for us, but I wish you the best in your journey!
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:09 PM   #13
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I never thought of my spouse as controlling until I started counseling....and realized he sabotaged every opportunity for me to have friends.
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:11 PM   #14
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I never thought of my spouse as controlling until I started counseling....and realized he sabotaged every opportunity for me to have friends.
Sounds a lot like mine....I don't feel anything for him anymore....
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:43 PM   #15
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I never thought of my spouse as controlling until I started counseling....and realized he sabotaged every opportunity for me to have friends.

Wow.. that is just not right. I have encourage my wife to join a bowling league to make more friends. It has not worked out yet; but at least she is getting out of the house more.

Of course I did get suckered in to join the league with her because they were short people.
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:44 PM   #16
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Mine tries to be controlling, but I find ways to side step it.

We each have our own friends as well as mutual friends.
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:44 PM   #17
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My hubby can be really controlling. But in a really sweet, manipulative way. Sometimes I don't even think he realizes that he does it. He wants to know my every moment, thought, conversation. When I get off the phone he will ask who I was talking to, what was said, blah blah. But he does it like he is really interested, so it is confusing.

He is working on it, and trying to stop, and unfortunately, it takes me being a total bitch sometimes and just saying, I NEED SPACE! And it hurts his feelings.

It used to be the exact opposite, I was the needy and clingy one. But then I got over it, and got my own life, and he freaked out.

*sigh*

I'd love to know how others have dealt with it.
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:47 PM   #18
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I have been the clingy type in the past. I have got over that. I like to be social sometimes as well as in my own little world.
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:49 PM   #19
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Maybe it's because we married in our mid/late 30's, but my husband respects my independence. Neither of us are jealous people, and understand the need to have our own friends, male and female. He also knows I'm fiercly independent and never tries to change that about me. Hmmm...maybe he should.
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:54 PM   #20
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That is so cool Stella... why can't everyone be like that?
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Old 07-27-2008, 07:56 PM   #21
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Maybe it's because we married in our mid/late 30's, but my husband respects my independence. Neither of us are jealous people, and understand the need to have our own friends, male and female. He also knows I'm fiercly independent and never tries to change that about me. Hmmm...maybe he should.
Sounds like you have a good man stella who loves you for who you are...you are very fortunate.
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Old 07-27-2008, 10:55 PM   #22
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We have our seperate friends...and we have friends we share...since we have spent the last 15 months apart...I am not really looking for alone time...but if I wanted it I could have it...without getting the third degree!!!! And the same goes for him!!!!
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Old 07-27-2008, 11:06 PM   #23
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i think i almost wish my husband was more involved and nosey, he isn't at all, perhaps it is due to his trust in me, but i have turned that perception of trust into his having a lack of concern.........good times!!!
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Old 07-27-2008, 11:07 PM   #24
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I can tell you from watching my best friend and seeing what she goes through with a controlling husband. She is unhappy, feels trapped and does not have a life at home. She can not enjoy her kids or her friends and not even her own mother without having to go threw arguments for even talking to them. It is so sad that another person can be so worried about someones life and treat them like they have no worth, that they can't see what they are doing to their own family. If he would open his eyes and see what he is doing, his own life would be so much better. His wife and children would love and respect him so much more.

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Old 07-27-2008, 11:21 PM   #25
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I would never think to use the word controlling for mine but he does one thing that might be viewed as controlling.....maybe not.

Anyways, one thing that my hubby does is that when he comes home, he asks me about my day but he wants to know from the minute he left the house, until the minute he stepped back in the house. I mean EVERY MINUTE....and he can tell when I leave out details because he'll question the timing ("ya but that wouldn't have taken 2 hours...what did you do in between then?"). I feel like a child when he does this...it puts me on the defensive for no reason (well, recently maybe there's a reason because i come here and then lie about it). He has done this for years and years...he's not suspicious of me or anything...it's just something he does.
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