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Everyday Life For Married Couples A forum for couples to chat about your everyday married life. This would be a good place for women and men to get to know eachother.

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Old 08-10-2007, 11:47 AM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Guymisseswife
It is tough I am sure. Let me say if you want to fix your marriage just try and tell him everything. Us guys that love our wife will listen and do what we have to. I think many marriages are ruined because they can't talk and tell each other the whole story. Try being nice when you talk, So he is not feeling defensive. Maybe he is unaware of everything. I would be willing to bet he does not know half of what you said here and would change it all for you. Then things would be much easier for you. I think Divorce should be avoided if possible.
We had a long talk last night. I told him about this forum, got it off my chest. It was very beneficial



Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweetdreams069
Sounds quite typical to the way alot of marriages seem to be. At least I can relate to alot of what you said. There's plenty wrong in my marriage too and my wife just doesn't seem to want to recognize it for some reason. I don't think there's really an easy answer. But if your not happy then there is a problem. And the longer you try not to do anything about it and just keep going along with the way life is right now, the more unhappy you will become. I'm not really one to give you any advice because I've been doing just that for so long now and don't hate my life, but hate the relationship that I'm in and want to move on.
But if you want to try to work it out with him then I think you should probably get into some kind of counseling, maybe that will help.

I also think that recognizing the type of person that you are is a really good start. Maybe try not to be the one that does all the work and tell hubby you are too busy to IM at work. Start doing things for yourself that make you happy.
Thanks for the kind words. I am going to counseling for depression, then we will work on any issues that we have.


Quote:
Originally Posted by c50t
Depression makes everything seem very different than it will appear in the near future. You don't say how long your typical day pattern has been going on, but it doesn't sound like this has been the pattern of your entire marriage.
Before you do anything about your situation that will have permanent consequences, you may want to take some steps at looking at your options.
You don't want to make decisions like this on your own. Please, find someone to trust with the whole story. Preferably, someone who has some expertise in counseling.
My wife suffers from depression. I know that she perceives many things through an entirely different lens when she is "under the blanket." A simple, "how are you doing?" has led to some incredible eruptions.
I don't know if this is your situation, but I would encourage you to look at a few more options.
Very well put, yes, that is our next step, to handle my depression.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Guymisseswife
At least it sounds like her husband cares. To me that means fight for it. I have been in his position. You have someone that cares, so something is there worth saving.
Yes, working on that now.

Thanks for all the people that did post, and I didn't quote on. There were so many wonderful posts here, it would take a whole page to answer everyone... I'm gonna do one more set though
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Old 08-10-2007, 11:56 AM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PhoenixFlirt

So here is a typical day, see if anyone can help me figure out what is wrong with this picture.

I wake up to my alarm (soft music playing on my alarm clock). I start to get out of bed, and hubby rolls over asking for a morning hug. I either A. grudgingly give him one and hurry out of bed or B. say I need to pee and hurry out of bed. why not change the normal routine and give him the morning hug and snuggle....might start the day off nicely.

Then I have my only alone time of the day (usually). get up earlier if necessary to have more "you time" . Do mothers get that?
I go in the bathroom, brush my teeth, wash my face, etc, for about 15 minutes. Then I have to wake up my husband and daughter by a certain time so they can get ready for school/work. My daughter has started with an alarm clock, so she is usually up, but my husband refuses an alarm clock, saying he prefers me to wake him. a quick good morning kiss..time to get up...

Ok, so finish getting my daughter ready, hubby makes us lunches if needed, this is nice...my hubby makes my lunch sometimes too.
I grab my coffee and off to work.

Now I get my 30 to 40 minutes of alone time driving... oh boy that's relaxing. Don't get me started on work. I hate my job, I do everything here, am underpaid for doing three people's jobs... etc. The second I get to work, I have to, in some way, let my husband know I made it in ok. Whether that be signing on to yahoo, or sending him an email. He doesn't want to worry about me getting in an accident on the way to work... yeah ok.
thisseems a little weird for everyday..but I suppose it may make him feel better.

So, during the entire day, he IMs me. Lately its been "are you in a mood" or "is work killing you" or "am I annoying you today". This right here is the worst part I think...you are at work to work, not email your husband. Just don't opent the IM or check private email. That should solve that...tell him you can no longer use the internet at work for such things. I don't know what kind of job you have, but you being upset will interfere with your work performance.

Frankly, I am so sick of worrying about my moods and what to say or not say, and how pissed off I am at work, without showing it... I want to explode. Now you must understand that no one else has any clue whatsoever that I am miserable inside. My husband knows now, but anyone else that I come in contact with, would have no clue. No one work would know unless I say something. I have one lady at work that knows a little about my situation, but not the entire story. Do you have a counselor at work you could talk to?

I am a Gemini. I am the queen of hiding what I feel inside, and only showing what I know people want to see. Ok so where was I... oh yeah, work IMs... more blah blah. Now, occasionally, I get IMs from people other than my husband. Let me tell you how much this makes my day!! Bad idea for the workplace...


Phoenix....those are my thoughts on your situation, not saying the way you do things is wrong...just saying what I might do about it if I were in the same boat.
Alot of this makes sense. My job is sitting in front of the computer, answering phones and doing whatever work happens to come up. I have lots of free time, since I'm so efficient at my work, hence my being able to come to this site too. We did talk about yahoo and are going to cut it down a bit. Thanks for your input.


Quote:
Originally Posted by cherokeered
So if you cant talk to him...write him either a letter explaining how u feel or send him an IM or email...not the best way but possibly for you it is...or write down what you want to say...then read it to him...


As for his IM's...he is insecure and possibly feeling you drifting away...he is trying to get your attention....

Sounds to me like you have a lot of anger and resentment built up....my guess would be from a job you dont like...time to yourself you are missing...
Perhaps you should designate a me time....an hour a day or a few hours on the weekend...tell him he is incharge and go out...walking, library, bookstore...anything...just go
Might make you feel better
This is going to be part of my depression curing also. The therapist has already told us that he smothers me, and that I need something for ME. It's at the point now that I need to figure out what that something is. Thanks for your help



Quote:
Originally Posted by Micwar58
My humble opinion is....How can you make anyone else happy if you're not happy. My wife holds everything in and is miserable, and I'm an asshole cause I just speak my mind and go about my business.

Yes mariage is a partnership but only you can make you happy......I don't worry alot either cause I also believe 95% of all problems do work with them out and the other 5 % who cares.......

She worries - I don't, she withholds - I don't, she basically miserable, me basically happy....
This was a point I brought up last night too, that I need to get happy myself, and love myself, before I can tell him that I love him. I've let so many things slide by and build up, that I need to find a way to unload it all and change all of our patterns.



Quote:
Originally Posted by OnlyOneMan
It sounds like you could benefit from some good couples therapy.

Somewhere along the way you've gotten the idea that you have no choice but to do what other people -- or, at least, your husband -- tell you to do.

"He prefers that I wake him up, rather than an alarm clock." But you prefer otherwise, right? You do have the right to decline his "invitation" to act as his alarm clock.

And you're required to check in with him as soon as you get to work? What happens if you don't? Do you get grounded?

And somewhere along the way your husband has gotten the idea that he has the right to dictate the tiniest details of your life. Where that somewhere is, however, is not a mystery: He got that idea when you aquiesed to his desire to control you.

Getting your depression under control isn't the real challenge (or opportunity) that faces you. It's learning how to give yourself permission to control your own life -- and to withhold that permission from others who shouldn't have it.
Couples therapy is going to be entwined with my depression therapy. We have already seen this therapist a couple times as a couple, and now she wants to help me alone. I'm currently taking wellbutrin, and thats a start. Thanks for speaking up



Quote:
Originally Posted by spare_change
In truth, your husband sounds like a pretty nice guy.... wants a hug in the morning, makes you lunch, worries about you getting to work, is sensitive to your moods (even if you won't tell him why) ...

Why take it out on him? I know ---- because he's there, and you think he will love you no matter what you do to him..... a very dangerous thought, indeed. That ain't how it usually works out ........
Part of my dilemma too, that I know he is a good guy, and I hate hurting him. This is just a stupid cycle I've been in throughout my life. And now, since I'm married to him (never been married before) its time to end the cycle and fix whatever is causing this re-occurance and keep this good man.
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Old 08-10-2007, 12:01 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by UltimateNaneki
Geez.....I don't know about u but if my husband was half as attentive as yours is, I would still be with him. I would give my right arm for someone that cared for me like you husband cares for you. Count yourself lucky that he doesn't ignore you all day and rolls away from you when you want a little love.
That's when I realize that I need to fix this... I would never find anyone to love me like he does.



Quote:
Originally Posted by DaFrEnChGuY
Here's my 2 cents

I loved your story it aint that long I posted longer in here a bunch of times lol

1- Chill out, find a way to relax and release your built up energy. Even from your typing I can tell your probably so tense you cant bend anymore. Your probably at the point that you get pissed off at stuff that makes no sence like picking up a bounce sheet off the floor or something. Find a way to release that built up anger and stress, Book yourself a couple of good massages it's worth every penny, take some nice long walks "by yourself" or with a friend not the hubby, find a hobby you can do on your own, nice hot bath and stuff like that.

2- Sit your hubby down and tell him to back off. if he's crouding you and your stuffed and it makes you feel uncomfortable to the point you want to leave, tell him. I know it sounds mean and most would be like no he's nice work on it but in the end if it's landing you in therapy "A good thing for you or anyone to do IMO" then explain to him flat out where you stand and where the future lies if you two stay on the same path.

It's not mean it's the truth and better off saying that then him finding you with the postmen one afternoon.

Misconception is to think that life stay's the same. It doesnt, people grow, needs change and people change.

I think you spent so much time caring for others feelings that you forgot where you stood and now it's imploding on you.

Nice deep breath in 1..2..3..4..5..out..1..2..3..4..5.

Go see your therapist and get some stuff off your chest. Start to do some things for yourself, not others for you. they'll be o.k. dont worry. If your hubby loves you that much he'll understand and chances are he'll help you get there.

Best of luck babe, Keep us posted on how you make out!

It's amazing what a good talk and nice night's sleep can do to improve a mood... I'm much better today, and we have a path. I still need to find something that I enjoy for my alone time... but I will get there. Thanks for speaking up, I appreciate it



Quote:
Originally Posted by Guymisseswife
In my opinion, I was in this situation too. He is not controlling you. He is overcompensating to try and keep you because he is afraid of losing you. Everything you said points to him actually caring.
Yes, and I need to remember this, but its so hard when the depression seems to obscure all my thinking. All these things that I know when I am rational all seem to fly out the window when I'm in a "down mood".

Thanks for speaking up so much, Guy, you're great. And Yaser... you're a sweetheart and sex fiend, but thanks for supporting me too
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Old 08-10-2007, 12:01 PM   #29
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I think I will stop flirting with you now. You have some business at home that is more important. Now to be a typical man and play wingman for you husband. You should go home and give him the best uhm....you know...that you can.
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Old 08-10-2007, 12:03 PM   #30
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Originally Posted by Guymisseswife
I think I will stop flirting with you now. You have some business at home that is more important. Now to be a typical man and play wingman for you husband. You should go home and give him the best uhm....you know...that you can.
No, being here is a stress relief. Flirting is harmless, even he said so. His view is he'd rather have me here doing harmless flirting, then finding someone in person to be with. Good point actually.
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Old 08-10-2007, 12:05 PM   #31
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Yes I will agree with his point. It is better. So then I will flirt some. But I still say go home and...
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Old 08-10-2007, 12:58 PM   #32
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Yes I will agree with his point. It is better. So then I will flirt some. But I still say go home and...
possibly... I plan on drinking tonight.
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Old 08-10-2007, 01:17 PM   #33
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I love this place, I get tons of good stuff off my chest

I'm happy to see your in a good mood thats good!
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Old 08-10-2007, 01:21 PM   #34
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thanks sexy avatar there frenchie!
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Old 08-10-2007, 02:55 PM   #35
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Phoenix, keep us posted. You sound like a brave woman, who is willing to work for something she beleives in. I hope your passion, and your family help you as you go through this time.
Also - I'm new here, but wow - lots of people who are putting in intelligent, caring posts. I'm even more impressed with this site. Good community here.
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Old 08-10-2007, 02:57 PM   #36
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Phoenix, keep us posted. You sound like a brave woman, who is willing to work for something she beleives in. I hope your passion, and your family help you as you go through this time.
Also - I'm new here, but wow - lots of people who are putting in intelligent, caring posts. I'm even more impressed with this site. Good community here.
Thanks, everyone is awesome here. I think I'll pull up a chair and stay awhile
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Old 08-10-2007, 11:50 PM   #37
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Thanks, everyone is awesome here. I think I'll pull up a chair and stay awhile http://marriedandflirtingchat.com/fo...es/winking.gif
Hey Flirty.....long time no see
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Old 08-10-2007, 11:56 PM   #38
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Hey Flirty.....long time no see
Just catching up so I don't have so much to catch up on Monday lol.
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Old 08-10-2007, 11:56 PM   #39
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Just catching up so I don't have so much to catch up on Monday lol.
Does that mean you are off for the weekend from here?
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Old 08-11-2007, 12:18 AM   #40
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Usually yeah, not sure yet. I'm mostly only on from work.
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Old 08-11-2007, 12:26 AM   #41
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Oh yeah, I remember that now....I guess I'll have to see your tall titties another day then
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Old 08-11-2007, 04:44 AM   #42
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WoW, DDR (just ask lol)
Okay, I'm asking.
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Old 08-11-2007, 05:35 AM   #43
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Is being sexually attracted to your spouse in the way you want to be (and you mentioned that sometimes you are and sometimes you aren't) so critical to you that if you can't restore that attraction you can never be happy? Or do you feel love and connection with your spouse despite this and want to continue in the marriage with him? If it doesn't really matter to you that there isn't any "fire" there, then you could work something out. But if it's significantly important to you that you feel an overwhelming sexual longing for your mate, then your marriage is going to fail if you can't recapture that feeling or get over the need to have it.

So at the root of all of this, is your lack of sexual attraction enough to drive you out of the relationship? Does it shatter your own opinion of yourself? Is your lack of sexual attraction a satisfactory excuse to leave - and not put up with his possessive/insecure behaviour (perhaps caused in part because he doesn't feel you fancy him). I picked up that you're confused about these issues - and it could be that you need assistance to analyse your feelings - or it could be your subconscience wants to avoid confronting the truth to save yourselves a lot of pain.
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Old 08-11-2007, 11:33 AM   #44
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Okay, I'm asking.
Lol wondered how long until someone asked. WoW is World of Warcraft, its a PC Computer game. I'm addicted. DDR is a game for the Playstation 2 that involves stepping on arrows, in a cardio way. Its a killer workout actually, I do it about an hour five days a week.

Thanks for asking
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Old 08-11-2007, 11:35 AM   #45
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Is being sexually attracted to your spouse in the way you want to be (and you mentioned that sometimes you are and sometimes you aren't) so critical to you that if you can't restore that attraction you can never be happy? Or do you feel love and connection with your spouse despite this and want to continue in the marriage with him? If it doesn't really matter to you that there isn't any "fire" there, then you could work something out. But if it's significantly important to you that you feel an overwhelming sexual longing for your mate, then your marriage is going to fail if you can't recapture that feeling or get over the need to have it.

So at the root of all of this, is your lack of sexual attraction enough to drive you out of the relationship? Does it shatter your own opinion of yourself? Is your lack of sexual attraction a satisfactory excuse to leave - and not put up with his possessive/insecure behaviour (perhaps caused in part because he doesn't feel you fancy him). I picked up that you're confused about these issues - and it could be that you need assistance to analyse your feelings - or it could be your subconscience wants to avoid confronting the truth to save yourselves a lot of pain.
Its so hard to answer questions directly, the depression makes me think something one minute, and then something else another. Complete split personalities, lol. If last night is any indication, I'd say that the attraction is still there, its just buried beneath all the depression and crap going on in my head. But yes, if I find that I need that attraction to be happy, and can't find it again, then it is time to say bye bye.
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Old 08-11-2007, 02:42 PM   #46
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DDR is a game for the Playstation 2 that involves stepping on arrows, in a cardio way. Its a killer workout actually, I do it about an hour five days a week.

Thanks for asking
For a moment I thought you said "five hours a day." Which I guess would make you endowed with an amazing amount of free time and incredibly fit.
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Old 08-11-2007, 02:52 PM   #47
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I'd say that the attraction is still there, its just buried beneath all the depression and crap going on in my head.
Okay, some straight talk from a complete stranger to whom you have no reason to listen.

1. Stop blaming yourself.

2. Stop peceiving the depression as something tangible that is standing between you and happiness. It's a word used to describe your emotional state, but it's not an obstacle in and of itself.

3. If the Wellbutrin helps you cope with some of the stress, fine. But your job isn't to overcome the depression. Your mission -- should you choose to accept it -- is to identify what you want your life to be and then to take the steps necessary to achieve that life.

Which certainly isn't to say it's easy.

But stop expending your mental and emotional energy on "all the depression and crap going on in my head" and redirect it toward helping you achieve the life you really do want.

That's an order, Baby.
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Old 08-11-2007, 03:08 PM   #48
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I think most therapists would disagree. you cant mask depression, you have to cure it. otherwise it will continue to be masked by things you may think you want. you say depression is not something standing between you and happiness, I personally disagree. Depression is a state of unhappiness therefore it does stand in the way of you being able to become happy. cure the depression and then do some of the things you said.

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Old 08-11-2007, 03:14 PM   #49
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Well more opinions for what they are worth........

First try to understand your self and your needs.....only you can make your self feel guilty of any actions.....or thoughts for that matter...

One of the hardest things to do in a relationship is to give the other person their own space... to be who they are.....
Calling or IM or emails all day is over board....as far as I am concerned...cant quite understand the need to be in your partners face all day.

One cant be held responsible for another insecurities ...

Guess is all comes down to just be your self and be proud of who you are......
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Old 08-11-2007, 03:24 PM   #50
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You absolutely are not pleasing everyone. You missed yourself. Sounds to me like you need a little break. When was the last time you took a friend and split for a few days? Fly to SF, rent a car, and drive to wine country. You could stay at a spa, go on some winery tours, eat some great food, and then collect your thoughts. When the shit piles up we all have trouble expressing ourselves. You have to catch your breath so you can figure out if you want to talk and if you do what you want to say.

By the way, opinions (including mine) are like assholes..........
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