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Old 12-30-2007, 12:23 PM   #276
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Short gender jokes
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women!

Why don't men eat more M & M's?
They are too hard to peel!

What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50?
Gifted!

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature!

Why are blond jokes so short?
So men can remember them!

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

What's a man's idea of housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home!

What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this!

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer!

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
Put the remote between his toes.

How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat we clean/they dirty we iron/they wrinkle!
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Old 12-30-2007, 12:24 PM   #277
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Computers are male
Reasons computers must be male


They have a lot of data but are still clueless.


A better model is always just around the corner.


They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.


It is always necessary to have a backup.


They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.


The best part of having either one is the games you can play.


The lights are on but nobody's home.
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Old 12-30-2007, 12:26 PM   #278
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Dating hints for men
Dating hints for gentlemen

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
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Old 12-30-2007, 12:28 PM   #279
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Why Eve was created
Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And the #1 reason why God created Eve...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
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Old 12-30-2007, 12:30 PM   #280
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Where have you been?
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
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Old 12-30-2007, 12:30 PM   #281
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Bloopers in the church
The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.

11. "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'."

12. "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice."

13. "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance."

14. "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

15. "The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."

16. "A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."

17. "Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full choir."

18. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good - Dr. Hargreaves is better."

19. "Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow."

20. "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."

21. "Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."

22. "The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."

23. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

24. Please join us as we show our suport for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
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Old 12-30-2007, 12:31 PM   #282
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Signs seen near church
The following are actual signs found on church property.

"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!"

A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."

"People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."

"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."

"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."

"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"In the dark? Follow the Son."

"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd
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Old 12-30-2007, 12:34 PM   #283
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some of these are gross but phunny (aahjokes.com)

Mommy mommy 01
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?

Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
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Old 12-30-2007, 12:35 PM   #284
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Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?

Shut up and get back in the oven.
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Old 12-30-2007, 12:36 PM   #285
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Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear.

Billy, let go of Susie's ear.

Billy! Let go of her ear!

All right Billy, give me the ear.
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Old 12-30-2007, 12:37 PM   #286
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Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?

Shut up son, you'll wake your father.
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Old 12-30-2007, 12:39 PM   #287
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Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?

Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.
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Old 12-30-2007, 12:41 PM   #288
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"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."

"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again
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Old 12-30-2007, 12:42 PM   #289
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The Cowboy excuses
Top Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship)

From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995


Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills.


Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's announce booth.


Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels.


Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big deal."


Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards.


Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down.


Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!


What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy!


Tired of going to Disneyland.
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Old 12-30-2007, 12:47 PM   #290
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Olympic city bribery
The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site

9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.

8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor's office are named either Ingrid or Sven.

7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell.

6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldn't think the term "New York City Hospitality Committee" is an oxymoron.

5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches.

4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: "My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition."

3. "Miss Salt Lake" for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech.

2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.

and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site...

1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties.
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Old 12-30-2007, 01:20 PM   #291
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Here are some insults that I found amusing,

Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!

When you get to the men`s room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.

There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it

You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway.

You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.

You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt

I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

Whatever is eating you -- must be suffering horribly.

At your speed, you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium.

I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a moving picture

Hey, I remember you when you had only one stomach.
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Old 12-30-2007, 01:26 PM   #292
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Finaly here is my geek Roflmao list

Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
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Old 01-02-2008, 08:32 PM   #293
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These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie. Amusing!!!



Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.



Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.



Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.



Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So its true what they say about Swedes.



Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.



Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and HerveyBay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?



Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.



Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.



Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.



Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna BoysChoir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.



Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.



Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.



Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?



Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population?

(Italy).

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.



Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.



Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.



Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectlyharmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.



Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I Forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in

trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.



Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross.Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.



Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
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Old 01-02-2008, 08:55 PM   #294
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Default A list of redneck computer terms

Backup What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Bar code Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.

Bug The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.

Byte What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

Cache Needed when you go to da store.

Chip Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.

Terminal Time to call da undertaker.

Crash When you go to Junior's party uninvited.

Digital The art of counting on your fingers.

Diskette A female Disco dancer.

Hacker Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Hardcopy Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Internet Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac Big Bob's favourite fast food.

Megahertz How your head feels after seventeen beers.

Modem What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

Mouse pad Where Mickey and Minnie live.

Network Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.

Online Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

Rom Where the pope lives.

Screen Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.

Serial port A red wine you drink with breakfast.

Superconductor Amtrak's Employee of the year.

Scsi What you call your week-old underwear.

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Old 01-02-2008, 08:58 PM   #295
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Default Computer Haiku

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
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The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
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Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
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Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

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Old 01-02-2008, 09:03 PM   #296
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Default Never Lie to Mom

Okay, last joke post for a while:

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brians' mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful her sons' roommate, Stephanie, was. Brians' Mom had been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her even more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if they were more than simply roomates. Reading his Moms' thought, Brian volunteered, " I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Stephanie and I are only roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying " Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said "Well, I doubt it, but I will send her an email just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I am not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains, that one has been missing since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian.

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I am not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, I am not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains, that if Stephanie is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

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Old 01-02-2008, 10:01 PM   #297
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Default

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton
insisted that her husband accompany her on her trips
to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr.Fenton was like most men--he found
shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs.Fenton was like most
women--she loved to browse

One day Mrs Fenton received the following letter from
her local Wal-Mart'

Dear Mrs.Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been
causing quite a commotion in our store.We cannot
tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both
of you from our store.Our complaints against Mr.Fenton
are listed below and documented by our video
surveiilance cameras.

1. June 15:Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in people's shopping carts when they weren't
looking

2. July2: Set all the alrms in Housewares to go off at 5
minute intervals

3. July7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the womens restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official voice,"code 3 in housewares-get on it
right away!"

5. August 4: Went to the service desk and tried to put
a bag of M&M's on lay-away.

6. September15: Set up a tent in the camping dept. and
told other shoppers they could join him if they would
bring pillows and blankets from the bedding dept.

7. September 16.: Moved a CAUTION WET FLOOR SIGN to a
carpeted area

8. September23: When a clerk asked if they could help
him he began crying and screamed,"why can't you people
just leave me alone?"

9 October4:looked right into the security camera and
used it as a mirror as he picked his nose

10 November10:While handling guns in the hunting dept,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.December 3: He darted around the store suspiciously
while loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.

12 December 6. In the auto dept he practiced his
Madonna look by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December18: hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through, he yelled,"PICK ME! pick me!

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the
loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and
screamed" OH NO ITS THOSE VOICES AGAIN'

And last but not least,

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door, waited awhile then yelled very loudly, "Hey
there's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,

Wal-Mart
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Old 01-04-2008, 06:21 PM   #298
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Default

I got into a fight today.

There I was, on my way to Wal-Mart. Fighting was the farthest thing from my mind. Not even on the horizon. I was in a great mood. Then...BAM...I rear-ended the car in front of me.

So there we were on the side of the road and the other driver starts getting out of his car. You know how you j-u-s-t g-e-t s-o s-t-r-e-s-s-e-d and life seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could not believe it....the guy was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "OK, which one are you then?"

That's when the fight started.
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Old 01-08-2008, 10:24 PM   #299
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Study reveals those without Insurance Die more Often


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Old 01-10-2008, 09:42 AM   #300
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Default

Blondes are back!!!

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

***************
Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese.

***************

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

*****************

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"


The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

****************

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

****************

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee".


***************
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