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Old 08-21-2007, 04:17 AM   #1
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Default Why Do We Take It?

This is a reprise of a previous thread -- I'm curious if the answers are different now.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

This morning, as I was standing in line for coffee, a guy barged to the front of the line (using the pretense of talking to someone already standing there). The six of us in line looked at each other, mutually disgusted that he did this. But yet, none of us said a word.

Here, wives talk of cheating husbands - husbands they have taken back, (of course, never forgiven and never forgotten). Men speak of wives who won't give oral sex, or no sex at all. We hear tales of mental abuse, maybe even physical abuse (though unspoken), but yet they go back.

Why do we take it? Why do we allow ourselves to be manipulated, used, and abused? Why are we such wimps? Staying for the children - is that just an excuse? Not enough money - is that a reason or a rationalization? Why don't we stand up for what we know is right? Why don't we demand our happiness? Are we scared? Are we intimidated? Or, in the end, is it because we just don't like to be alone in the dark?
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Old 08-21-2007, 04:46 AM   #2
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Religion played a big part in staying married for my parents. Married until death!! That was it. Once you said, "I Do",you had to put up with anything.

A friend told me,"My marriage wasn't bad. I just didn't belong there. I know this now. I am not wife material. I like being alone. I enjoy sexual freedom. I believe the payoffs of tending to a man pale greatly when compared to the benefits of tending to myself. I believe I am a better mother without a husband, because I am happy and strong and not sleepwalking in a bath of resentment about who is or isn't taking out the trash". That fits me! Think a person has to decide what makes them happy and then then decide where they belong!

My divorce is teaching me some other hard truths:
That good sex can survive even as your marriage dies.
That it really is the little things.
That you have to talk about the ugly stuff-with each other.
That only you can ask for what you want.
That words matter, but not as much as emptying the dishwasher unprompted.
That charisma gets old.
That, love of his life or not, you will be replaced. Probably by someone younger. Probably sooner than you think.
That smart women choose men who make their lives easier.
That all men choose women based on how those women make them feel.
That love may be everything, but it is not enough to keep two people together, no matter what they say in the movies.
My love for my husband was and remains uncontested. I love him, and I will always love him. My heart cleaves to his, even as he moves away, loves another, even as time and paperwork dismantle us. I love him as a person apart, for who he is, not for what he does for or to me.
And that will last. Till death!!
[A quote from some one unknown]
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Last edited by Pebbles; 08-21-2007 at 06:15 AM.
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Old 08-21-2007, 08:02 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pebbles
Religion played a big part in staying married for my parents. Married until death!! That was it. Once you said, "I Do",you had to put up with anything.

A friend told me,"My marriage wasn't bad. I just didn't belong there. I know this now. I am not wife material. I like being alone. I enjoy sexual freedom. I believe the payoffs of tending to a man pale greatly when compared to the benefits of tending to myself. I believe I am a better mother without a husband, because I am happy and strong and not sleepwalking in a bath of resentment about who is or isn't taking out the trash". That fits me! Think a person has to decide what makes them happy and then then decide where they belong!

My divorce is teaching me some other hard truths:
That good sex can survive even as your marriage dies.
That it really is the little things.
That you have to talk about the ugly stuff-with each other.
That only you can ask for what you want.
That words matter, but not as much as emptying the dishwasher unprompted.
That charisma gets old.
That, love of his life or not, you will be replaced. Probably by someone younger. Probably sooner than you think.
That smart women choose men who make their lives easier.
That all men choose women based on how those women make them feel.
That love may be everything, but it is not enough to keep two people together, no matter what they say in the movies.
My love for my husband was and remains uncontested. I love him, and I will always love him. My heart cleaves to his, even as he moves away, loves another, even as time and paperwork dismantle us. I love him as a person apart, for who he is, not for what he does for or to me.
And that will last. Till death!!
[A quote from some one unknown]

Wow! What an awesome post Pebbles. And so true in so many ways. Alot of those things are so hard for so many people to see and realize. I wish my wife could see them so clearly.
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Old 08-21-2007, 08:24 AM   #4
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I was brought up by my parents to believe that I was worthless. "Ulti don't talk you will embarrass someone" My dad would say "it's are little secret".
Well I have been here 9 months and realized that I'm worth a great deal more then what I was taught. I have since left my uncaring husband and I feel a great deal better about myself.

So I guess the answer to your question is yes I took the abuse without fighting back, I didn't know how. Then I found some real good friends and realized I was worth a damn! And I fought back!
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Old 08-21-2007, 10:02 AM   #5
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I think it is natural to commiserate with others about our bad times. We hear others stories and look at it as.... "maybe I'm not as bad off as this other person" ... or "damn, they don't have it that bad, what are they complaining about". As a society, I think we are always comparing ourselves to others and that leads to complacency, in many cases. With that, depending on the extent of the abuse and/or discontent, we all grow to feel comfort in it, wondering if the grass really is greener on the other side or if there really is that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow we are chasing.
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Old 08-21-2007, 11:43 AM   #6
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pebbles
Religion played a big part in staying married for my parents. Married until death!! That was it. Once you said, "I Do",you had to put up with anything.

A friend told me,"My marriage wasn't bad. I just didn't belong there. I know this now. I am not wife material. I like being alone. I enjoy sexual freedom. I believe the payoffs of tending to a man pale greatly when compared to the benefits of tending to myself. I believe I am a better mother without a husband, because I am happy and strong and not sleepwalking in a bath of resentment about who is or isn't taking out the trash". That fits me! Think a person has to decide what makes them happy and then then decide where they belong!

My divorce is teaching me some other hard truths:
That good sex can survive even as your marriage dies.
That it really is the little things.
That you have to talk about the ugly stuff-with each other.
That only you can ask for what you want.
That words matter, but not as much as emptying the dishwasher unprompted.
That charisma gets old.
That, love of his life or not, you will be replaced. Probably by someone younger. Probably sooner than you think.
That smart women choose men who make their lives easier.
That all men choose women based on how those women make them feel.
That love may be everything, but it is not enough to keep two people together, no matter what they say in the movies.
My love for my husband was and remains uncontested. I love him, and I will always love him. My heart cleaves to his, even as he moves away, loves another, even as time and paperwork dismantle us. I love him as a person apart, for who he is, not for what he does for or to me.
And that will last. Till death!!
[A quote from some one unknown]
All the parts about not being meant to be married is all the things I think of myself. Time will tell I guess.
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Old 08-21-2007, 11:47 AM   #7
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pebbles
A friend told me,"My marriage wasn't bad. I just didn't belong there. I know this now. I am not wife material. I like being alone. I enjoy sexual freedom. I believe the payoffs of tending to a man pale greatly when compared to the benefits of tending to myself. I believe I am a better mother without a husband, because I am happy and strong and not sleepwalking in a bath of resentment about who is or isn't taking out the trash".
[A quote from some one unknown]

On the other hand, whomever wrote this also sounds incredibly selfish, childish, and self centered. All that matters is "I" -- no wonder a marriage can't survive.
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Old 08-21-2007, 01:01 PM   #8
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....because sometimes, you just do not have a choice. You would be in a much worse place if you didn't take it.
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4. Never have regrets. Learn from your mistakes and misfortunes. Know that life is one big test. You can pass it if you learn from the pop quizzes along the way.
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Old 08-21-2007, 01:42 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spare_change
On the other hand, whomever wrote this also sounds incredibly selfish, childish, and self centered. All that matters is "I" -- no wonder a marriage can't survive.
This friend knows herself...call her what you want..she is a happy woman who knows who she is, and where she is going. Every one has their opinions and the whats and whys of the way they do things. It takes two people to make a happy..healthy relationship. If one party is unhappy and it can't be corrected..then why is it selfish,childish or self-centered to want a happy heathy life outside a unhappy marriage or relationship? That involves oneself. If you don't know how to make yourself happy and would rather stay in a unhappy situation..then its your choice!
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Old 08-21-2007, 01:42 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pebbles
This friend knows herself...call her what you want..she is a happy woman who knows who she is, and where she is going. Every one has their opinions and the whats and whys of the way they do things. It takes two people to make a happy..healthy relationship. If one party is unhappy and it can't be corrected..then why is it selfish,childish or self-centered to want a happy heathy life outside a unhappy marriage or relationship? That involves oneself. If you don't know how to make yourself happy and would rather stay in a unhappy situation..then its your choice!
Agreed completely.
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Old 08-21-2007, 01:53 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pebbles
This friend knows herself...call her what you want..she is a happy woman who knows who she is, and where she is going. Every one has their opinions and the whats and whys of the way they do things. It takes two people to make a happy..healthy relationship. If one party is unhappy and it can't be corrected..then why is it selfish,childish or self-centered to want a happy heathy life outside a unhappy marriage or relationship? That involves oneself. If you don't know how to make yourself happy and would rather stay in a unhappy situation..then its your choice!

Because, frankly, marriage is not all about you. It's about working together to create an environment that is conducive to the growth of both. Too many relationships are destined for failure because one of them wants, wants, wants, takes, takes, takes, and can't or doesn't give. Then, it's all the other person's fault because they can't give enough to keep him/her happy. THAT is the selfish part -- it's all about me.

But, in today's environment, it's easier to just quit than to make the effort.

Your statement is exactly correct --- if one person is unhappy, and it CAN'T be corrected, then they should get out. Then again, if one person is so self-centered, so selfish, that nothing will make them happy, they should get out, as well ... because, after all, all they are doing is making the other person miserable, too.
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Old 08-21-2007, 01:56 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spare_change
Because, frankly, marriage is not all about you. It's about working together to create an environment that is conducive to the growth of both. Too many relationships are destined for failure because one of them wants, wants, wants, takes, takes, takes, and can't or doesn't give. Then, it's all the other person's fault because they can't give enough to keep him/her happy. THAT is the selfish part -- it's all about me.

But, in today's environment, it's easier to just quit than to make the effort.

Your statement is exactly correct --- if one person is unhappy, and it CAN'T be corrected, then they should get out. Then again, if one person is so self-centered, so selfish, that nothing will make them happy, they should get out, as well ... because, after all, all they are doing is making the other person miserable, too.
I am a firm believer it "try everything" before walking down the divorce path
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Old 08-21-2007, 02:03 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spare_change
Because, frankly, marriage is not all about you. It's about working together to create an environment that is conducive to the growth of both. Too many relationships are destined for failure because one of them wants, wants, wants, takes, takes, takes, and can't or doesn't give. Then, it's all the other person's fault because they can't give enough to keep him/her happy. THAT is the selfish part -- it's all about me.

But, in today's environment, it's easier to just quit than to make the effort.

Your statement is exactly correct --- if one person is unhappy, and it CAN'T be corrected, then they should get out. Then again, if one person is so self-centered, so selfish, that nothing will make them happy, they should get out, as well ... because, after all, all they are doing is making the other person miserable, too.
Spare you ask the best questions. Makes one think. Exactly what is needed here.
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Old 08-21-2007, 02:50 PM   #14
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Spare you ask the best questions. Makes one think. Exactly what is needed here.

Is this when we get naked and discuss this further?
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Old 08-21-2007, 03:29 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spare_change
This is a reprise of a previous thread -- I'm curious if the answers are different now.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

This morning, as I was standing in line for coffee, a guy barged to the front of the line (using the pretense of talking to someone already standing there). The six of us in line looked at each other, mutually disgusted that he did this. But yet, none of us said a word.

Why do we take it?
------------------------------------------------
Funny, but I would have said something to the guy along the lines of 'excuse me sir, but you have to stand in line just like the rest of us and wait your turn'.
That type of scenario has come up quite a few times in my life and if you don't say anything, these people will continue to do so

Maybe I have an easier time telling someone I don't know or don't care about to take a 'hike' versus a family member, friend, etc.
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Old 08-21-2007, 04:26 PM   #16
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Hey Red, you have every right to say something especially if its a man because he won't get physical with you. If anything you can publicly embarrass him which is very uncomfortable even thought he may not admit it. How have you been my lovely and talented lady?
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Old 08-21-2007, 05:26 PM   #17
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I personally could care less if someone jumps in front of the line. I do, however, care if someone is hurting someone I care about. I have never been abused, physically or mentally (that I know of), so I cannot speak from first hand experience. I have a close friend who would argue with her boyfriend until she would get so mad she would hit him. He would in turn beat the crap out of her. I am not saying that she ever deserved the beatings she got, but she would always go back to him. And it didn't matter that every time he beat her I was there to give it right back to him. It wasn't until he actually broke up with her that it finally stopped. She even says now that she doesn't know why she kept going back, but she also says that he could be so great at times too. I will never understand it myself, but then again I am the asshole that drives to front of the line on the highway when they drop it down to one lane. Lets face it, I would rather piss off everyone behind me, than sit in a line all pissed off.
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Old 08-21-2007, 05:33 PM   #18
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I will never understand it myself, but then again I am the asshole that drives to front of the line on the highway when they drop it down to one lane. Lets face it, I would rather piss off everyone behind me, than sit in a line all pissed off.

That's you? hmmmm, if only you knew what I was thinking the last time you did that to me... but then again, you might have enjoyed what I had planned...
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Old 08-21-2007, 05:42 PM   #19
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I didn't realize you were turned on by such antics. More inspiration for me to keep doing it.
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Old 08-21-2007, 05:44 PM   #20
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No hon, I wasn't turned on, but I did want to spank you...
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Old 08-21-2007, 05:52 PM   #21
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I was kidding with you, but now that I know a spanking is in order....
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Old 08-21-2007, 06:04 PM   #22
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I'll let someone get away with butting into line, as long as I'm not in a huge hurry. If I am, I'll smile sweetly and say something like, "Excuse me, but perhaps you didn't realize the line starts back there." It doesn't always require getting one's back up. But like I said, if I'm not in a hurry, I usually assume that they are and just let it go. After all, we don't know what motivates others to do things like that. We can only speculate.
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Old 08-21-2007, 09:29 PM   #23
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It depends on a couple of items, first is if my wife with me. I have learned to control what I say when she is around because to her it's embarassing for me to speak up about little things, like line cutting.

The second is the act taking place. We had the grandkid at the park, and it was full of parents and little league games and such. I noticed a young man proably around 16 walking thru the park, with a shirt that on the front in very large letters said F*** Y**
I watch all the other adults stare and mumble as he crossed the whole park to my side. Being the ass I am ,I approached him, took his arm gently and aske politely to either remove hit t-shirt or turn it inside out, as it wasn't apporprate with the young children around.

Then the punk looked at me and asked who the f*** I was? I looked him straight in the eye and told him, I'm the f*** that's goin whip your ass if you don't take the f****** shirt off. The young man's demeanor changed and he gratefully took the shirt off and went about his business.

I just feel a lot of people were raised witht he don't get involved attitude, as for me I've proably stuck my nose in where it doesn't belong, but then like my honey says with a smile on her face, I'm an ass.....
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Old 08-21-2007, 10:38 PM   #24
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I was always the nice one....here you go first you have less in your cart...etc....

Then I flipped at a stop light that wasn't changing fast enough for me. Before I knew it I was telling everyone who got in my way to fuck themselves, even my boss at work....

After 5 years of medication and a self induced attitude adjustment...I think I've found my middle ground. I've also learned which things are worth fussing about and which things are not. All of this lets me be a happier person now which helps to make life a bit nicer for those around me, my friends (which I don't have many of) and strangers too.

Now Spare......this is where we get naked and have sex.....
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Old 08-21-2007, 10:41 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MCat
I was always the nice one....here you go first you have less in your cart...etc....

Then I flipped at a stop light that wasn't changing fast enough for me. Before I knew it I was telling everyone who got in my way to fuck themselves, even my boss at work....

After 5 years of medication and a self induced attitude adjustment...I think I've found my middle ground. I've also learned which things are worth fussing about and which things are not. All of this lets me be a happier person now which helps to make life a bit nicer for those around me, my friends (which I don't have many of) and strangers too.

Now Spare......this is where we get naked and have sex.....

Works for me. (Standby to raise the bridges !!)
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