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Old 07-12-2016, 08:49 PM   #2101
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Funny stuff here; I'm going to enjoy!

So . . . how's a ham and egg breakfast similar to the concept of being involved with someone or being committed to someone? In a ham and egg breakfast the chicken is involved but the pig . . . well the pig is definitely committed!
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Old 07-12-2016, 08:50 PM   #2102
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redcat View Post
A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex.
Husband: "Sukitaki! Mojitaka!"
Wife replies: "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!"
Husband says, angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife, on her knees, literally begging: "Mimi Nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband shouts, angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"
I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this!
You don't know any Japanese.
You'll read anything as long as it's about sex!
Sometimes I worry about you....you're in serious need of help.
Now this is funny! LOL
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Old 07-12-2016, 08:51 PM   #2103
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Iceburn View Post
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.'

The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'.

Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
Gotta admit; your play on words here is just hilarious!!! LOL
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Old 08-09-2016, 08:56 PM   #2104
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A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked softly, stoking his face with both hands.

"Actually no"..he replied.

"Can you get him for me..I need to speak to him," she said running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't." breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say...

"Tell him..." she whispered, "There's no toilet paper - hand soap - or paper towels in the ladies room....."
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Old 08-16-2016, 08:44 PM   #2105
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An 80 old Italian lady finished her annual physical exam and the doctor said “You are in fine shape for your age, tell me… do you still have intercourse?”

“Justa a minuto, letta me aska my husband,” she said.

She went out to the reception room and said: ”Morris do we stilla havea intercourse?”

Morris answered impatiently… “If I tolda you oncea I tolda you a thousand timesa… We don'ta havea intercourse We have Blue Cross!!”
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Old 08-17-2016, 08:41 PM   #2106
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A man walks into a diner. He sees a sign: Cheese Sandwiches $2, Hand Jobs $10. Then he sees a woman behind the counter.
He asks her, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yeah."
"Go wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich."
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Old 08-17-2016, 09:10 PM   #2107
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Call me Mr. Flintstone
I can make your bedrock
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Old 08-24-2016, 10:04 PM   #2108
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By going Bam Bam! ?
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Old 08-25-2016, 12:56 PM   #2109
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Q: What's the hardest part about eating a cracker?

A: Getting her to drop the remote!
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Old 08-25-2016, 09:22 PM   #2110
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The13thDoctor View Post
Q: What's the hardest part about eating a cracker?

A: Getting her to drop the remote!
Oh thank god! I thought it was going to be a racist joke!!!!

How do you eat a vegetable?
Nah, it's too terrible. Even for here.....
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Old 02-15-2017, 09:02 AM   #2111
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Knock knock

Who's there?

Doris

Doris who

Doris locked. That's why I'm knocking.
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Old 02-26-2017, 03:59 PM   #2112
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A redhead tells her blonde friend, "I slept with a Brazilian."

The blonde replies, "You slut! How many is a brazilian?
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Old 02-27-2017, 03:58 PM   #2113
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What's the difference between a penis and bonus?

Your wife will blow a bonus!
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Old 03-25-2017, 01:10 PM   #2114
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How do you make 5 pounds of fat beautiful?
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Put a nipple on it.
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Old 06-06-2017, 06:15 AM   #2115
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A blind cowboy walks into an all girl biker bar by mistake.

After ordering a drink, he yells to the bartender "Hey bartender...you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The lady sitting next to him taps him on the shoulder and says "Hey mister...because you are blind it's only fair to tell you that the bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat, the bouncer is a blonde girl, I'm a 6' tall, 175 pound blonde girl with a black belt, the woman sitting next to me is a blonde girl and a professional weightlifter, and the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, are you sure you want to tell that blonde joke?"

The cowboy thinks for a second and says "Nah...not if I'm going to have to explain it 5 times"
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Old 06-06-2017, 11:12 AM   #2116
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TomIAm View Post
A blind cowboy walks into an all girl biker bar by mistake.

After ordering a drink, he yells to the bartender "Hey bartender...you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The lady sitting next to him taps him on the shoulder and says "Hey mister...because you are blind it's only fair to tell you that the bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat, the bouncer is a blonde girl, I'm a 6' tall, 175 pound blonde girl with a black belt, the woman sitting next to me is a blonde girl and a professional weightlifter, and the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, are you sure you want to tell that blonde joke?"

The cowboy thinks for a second and says "Nah...not if I'm going to have to explain it 5 times"

This thread is for funnies...

This wasn't funny
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Old 06-06-2017, 11:13 AM   #2117
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DomesticDiva View Post
This thread is for funnies...

This wasn't funny

ohhhh...you didn't get it?
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Old 06-06-2017, 11:17 AM   #2118
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TomIAm View Post
ohhhh...you didn't get it?

#1 Get that shit eatin grin off that face right now

#2 Come over here & ask me that question...
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Old 06-06-2017, 11:30 AM   #2119
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DomesticDiva View Post
#1 Get that shit eatin grin off that face right now

#2 Come over here & ask me that question...

what are you going to do - knee cap me with that bat?!
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Old 06-08-2017, 06:49 PM   #2120
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At the moment. Cleveland, apparently.
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Old 06-22-2017, 08:16 PM   #2121
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If you woke up one morning in a tent, and found a used condom stuck in your ass, would you tell anyone? If no - want to go camping some time?
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Old 06-22-2017, 08:21 PM   #2122
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Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.

“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”

“Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the …”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”

“Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road …”

“Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and told the lawyer so.

“Proceed,” the judge told the witness.

“Well,” said the farmer, “as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'”
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Old 06-23-2017, 10:33 AM   #2123
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“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in… I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – EL RANCHO’S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – ALFREDO’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 – VARGA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 — No report.
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