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Old 09-13-2006, 04:56 PM   #1
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Default A new joke thread

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please?"

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity,' 'interstellar space travel,' 'the latest medical break through' etc........

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tactic. He returned and took a seat.

Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have?

"A Martini please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100."

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool....
Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"


This time the man drawled out, "Uh.. bout 50."


The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u- p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?"
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Last edited by spare_change; 09-13-2006 at 05:23 PM.
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Old 09-13-2006, 05:17 PM   #2
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EXCELLENT!!!



Quote:
Originally Posted by spare_change
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

...

"A-r-e y-o-u- p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?"
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Old 09-13-2006, 06:51 PM   #3
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Two peanuts walk into a bar... one was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says... "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

A dyslexic walks into a bra...
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Old 09-22-2006, 01:26 PM   #4
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Default

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS & WENT OUT FOR A FEW DRINKS. THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL. THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,
"GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."


THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"


"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS DOING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH." " A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER
A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW."
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Old 09-22-2006, 11:22 PM   #5
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Default

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much
smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this
is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.
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Old 10-02-2006, 04:26 PM   #6
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Default Dirty Words

Please excuse the rough language in the following story . . .


A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic. Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Reggie started using the most horrible language, things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful four-letter words! You've got to take me home. PLEASE MAMA!"

"Maxine, Maxine," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm soembarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!

" Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama . . ., he used words like dust, wash, iron, cook . . ."







"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
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Old 10-02-2006, 08:19 PM   #7
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Good one....


Cherokee....I too find that type of language distasteful....
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Old 10-03-2006, 04:02 AM   #8
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A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married,so she put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed, all applicants apply in person."

On the second day she heard the doorbell.

Much to her dismay she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair,he had no arms or legs.

The woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs."

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you."

She snorted, "You don't have any hands either."

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you."

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently, "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile and said," well I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
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Old 10-04-2006, 04:16 PM   #9
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A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the
bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the
envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a
scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but
I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings,
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other
people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, John.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life
than the school report that's on my desk.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
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Old 10-06-2006, 12:41 AM   #10
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A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind Catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband,

"You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says…











“Make up your mind!!!” “Last night you told me to go fly a kite!!!”
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Old 11-28-2006, 09:24 AM   #11
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Default Newest Scam Being Pulled at Wal-Mart

A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular Wal-Mart customers.

Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get hardware supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the car. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Wal-Mart store. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.
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Old 12-01-2006, 12:31 PM   #12
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THE CHICKEN FARMER

A woman walks into a accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions".

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks, "What's your occupation?".

"I'm a whore", she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken-back and says,
"No, No, No, THAT won't work - let's try to rephrase that job title".

The woman says, "OK, I'm a 'High-end call girl'".

"No, that STILL won't work. Try again".

They both think for a minute. Then the woman says, "I'm an 'Elite chicken farmer".

The accountant asks, "What does chicken-farming have to do with being a prostitute?".

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year".

"'Chicken Farmer' it is".
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Old 12-01-2006, 12:32 PM   #13
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Horse Ride for Little Johnny

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peaks in and catches his folks in the act. Before daddy can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees...

Johnny hops on daddy and starts going to town... pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the mailman usually get bucked off.
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Old 12-01-2006, 12:33 PM   #14
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently
wiped
her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man
went
back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took
a
tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming
that
the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the
shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before
she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than
before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,
"I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your
nose and then shuddered violently. "Are you ok?" "I am sorry if I
disturbed
you, I have a rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an
orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never
heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for
it?"

The woman replied; "Yes, Pepper."
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Old 12-01-2006, 12:50 PM   #15
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How to speak about women and be politically correct:

1: She is not a BABE or a CHICK, she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

2: She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER, she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

3: She is not EASY, she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

4: She is not a DUMB BLONED, she is a LIGHT HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

5: She has not BEEN AROUND, she is a PRVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.

6: She is not an AIRHEAD, she is REALITY IMPAIRED.

7: She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY, she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

8: She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS, she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

9: She does not NAG you, she becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

10: She is not a TRAMP, she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

11: She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS, she is pectorally superior.

12: She is not a TWO BIT HOOKER, she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.


How to speak about men and be politically correct:

1: He does not have a BEER GUT, He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

2: He is not a BAD DANCER, he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3: H does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME, He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4: He is not BALDING, He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5: He is not a CRADLE ROBBER, He prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

6: He does not get FALLING DOWN DRUNK, He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

7: He does not act like a TOTAL ASS, He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

8: He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG, He has SWINE EMPATHY.

9: He is not afraid of COMMITMENT, He is RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.

10: He is not HORNY, He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
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Old 12-01-2006, 05:44 PM   #16
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into her house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs "Honey, pack your bags! I won the lottery!!"
The husband said, "Oh my God!! What should I pack? Beach stuff or mountain stuf?"
"Doesn't matter!" she shouted.
"Just get the hell out!!"
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Old 12-05-2006, 12:12 PM   #17
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Default 'tis the season ...

There was a man who worked for the Post Office...
whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read as follows:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my
friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an
envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.


Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened, It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving b@stards at the Post Office....
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Old 12-05-2006, 04:51 PM   #18
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LMAO....Good one Haggis....
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Old 12-05-2006, 05:05 PM   #19
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God created man with a brain and a penis..but the problem is he only gave us enough blood to run one at a time.
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Old 12-05-2006, 05:17 PM   #20
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A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another
man in her life so she placed an ad, which read
something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE
...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON’T BEAT ME UP
2) WON’T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her
doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of
mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her
qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened
the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying
on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you
want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I’m the man
of your dreams. I’ve got no arms so I can’t beat you
up and no legs so I can’t run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that
you’re so great in bed?"

To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell,
didn’t I?
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Old 12-05-2006, 09:54 PM   #21
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LOL....I'm glad you cleared that up for us...



Quote:
Originally Posted by OICurready4me
God created man with a brain and a penis..but the problem is he only gave us enough blood to run one at a time.
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Old 12-18-2006, 04:55 PM   #22
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Reminds me of the guy who had a Gold Screw for a belly-button. Every night he would pray that it would be removed. Night after night he would pray, until one night an Angel appeared in a dream. The Angel floated down with a golden screw driver and removed the screw. When he awoke, he checked and the screw was gone. He was ecstatic. He jumped out of bed....and his ass fell off!
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Sandman, I'm so alone
Don't have nobody to call my own
Please turn on your magic beam
Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream.

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Old 12-22-2006, 05:12 PM   #23
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Default Had to Fire Somebody!

He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said, "Debra, I have never done anything like this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack-off?", she says. "I feel like shit!"
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Sandman, I'm so alone
Don't have nobody to call my own
Please turn on your magic beam
Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream.

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Old 02-04-2007, 03:22 PM   #24
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Q: If fathers have Father's Day, and mothers have Mother's Day,
….what do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.


Q: What do you call a truck full of vibrators at Christmas time?
A: Toys for twats!


Q: What do lesbians need to get married?
A: A licker license.


Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
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Old 02-05-2007, 03:45 AM   #25
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A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, shooting him right through the penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.

When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card.

"This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."

The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?"

"No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
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