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Old 03-17-2017, 05:30 PM   #26
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I got asked if I noticed I was fat yesterday.

I said I am down 2 pounds in 2 months.

She says and?
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Old 03-17-2017, 05:32 PM   #27
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don't even start me on Jill.


hey guys if I was to float her as a pre IPO

what would be a good starting price?
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Old 03-17-2017, 06:02 PM   #28
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"Short Skirt / Long Jacket"

I want a girl with a mind like a diamond
I want a girl who knows what's best
I want a girl with shoes that cut
And eyes that burn like cigarettes

I want a girl with the right allocations
Who's fast and thorough
And sharp as a tack
She's playing with her jewelry
She's putting up her hair
She's touring the facility
And picking up slack

I want a girl with a short skirt and a lonnnng jacket......

I want a girl who gets up early
I want a girl who stays up late
I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity
Who uses a machete to cut through red tape
With fingernails that shine like justice
And a voice that is dark like tinted glass

She is fast and thorough
And sharp as a tack
She's touring the facility
And picking up slack

I want a girl with a short skirt and a lonnnnng.... lonnng jacket

I want a girl with a smooth liquidation
I want a girl with good dividends
At Citibank we will meet accidentally
We'll start to talk when she borrows my pen

She wants a car with a cupholder arm rest
She wants a car that will get her there
She's changing her name from Kitty to Karen
She's trading her MG for a white Chrysler La Baron

I want a girl with a short skirt and a lonnnnggggggggg jacket


My Wedding Vows to Jill
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyJUm1K1Etc
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Old 03-17-2017, 06:05 PM   #29
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Cotties - that was fucking brilliant
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Old 03-17-2017, 07:06 PM   #30
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I literally spent more time pushing that MG than riding in it.

Looked cute in it, tho.
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Old 03-17-2017, 08:39 PM   #31
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Her boyfriend as usual.
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Old 03-17-2017, 08:50 PM   #32
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The salad dressing I made was too acidic.
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Old 03-17-2017, 08:54 PM   #33
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The salad dressing I made was too acidic.
Some times urine can remove that acid.
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Old 03-17-2017, 09:05 PM   #34
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I don't have a wife thank gawd
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Old 03-17-2017, 09:06 PM   #35
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I don't have a wife thank gawd
If you did what would she complain about?

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Old 03-17-2017, 09:08 PM   #36
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Originally Posted by dixiechik View Post
I don't have a wife thank gawd
Quote:
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If you did what would she complain about?

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Jesus, Mish, shut up!

Dixie, describe how you and this wife would rub your bare boobs together
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:06 PM   #37
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if anyone wants an update on my other wife and our marital troubles.

we went clubbing on the weekend to try to patch things up.

she says...you see that guy out there on the dance floor all night break dancing, moon walking, backflips and stuff....she says he asked to marry me 25 years ago.


I say looks like he's still celebrating
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:08 PM   #38
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oh yeah guys btw

I am holding a charity ball for gents with erectile dysfunction in 2 weeks time.

so let me know if you can't come
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:28 PM   #39
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cotties View Post
if anyone wants an update on my other wife and our marital troubles.

we went clubbing on the weekend to try to patch things up.

she says...you see that guy out there on the dance floor all night break dancing, moon walking, backflips and stuff....she says he asked to marry me 25 years ago.


I say looks like he's still celebrating
Clubbing? You are much too old to be out that late. I assume you mean you hit each other with bats.
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:28 PM   #40
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so driving home she asks...did you go see Doctor Henry as I suggested.

I say yes

He said I needed to stop masturbating.

I said why

He said it makes it difficult while I'm examining you
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:30 PM   #41
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so driving home she asks...did you go see Doctor Henry as I suggested.

I say yes

He said I needed to stop masturbating.

I said why

He said it makes it difficult while I'm examining you
That joke is so old Columbus kicked the shit out of an Indian for telling him that one.
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:30 PM   #42
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so the smart ass bitch says

When I went and saw him last week I said please doctor kiss me

He said no its unethical

She said so I begged him for just one kiss

He said we really shouldn't be having sex and I just think it crosses a line.
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:31 PM   #43
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That joke is so old Columbus kicked the shit out of an Indian for telling him that one.
Nobody likes vets
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:33 PM   #44
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Quote:
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Nobody likes vets
Trump likes Vets. The VA's budget got a boost.
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:36 PM   #45
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cotties View Post
if anyone wants an update on my other wife and our marital troubles.

we went clubbing on the weekend to try to patch things up.

she says...you see that guy out there on the dance floor all night break dancing, moon walking, backflips and stuff....she says he asked to marry me 25 years ago.


I say looks like he's still celebrating
Moon walking?

You break out your "I love the 80's" jokebook?
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:38 PM   #46
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Originally Posted by MisterBlueSky View Post
Moon walking?

You break out your "I love the 80's" jokebook?
wimps


make me do all the hard conversations with women for you...

then its like...oh ladies I'm on your side


turn coat!
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:41 PM   #47
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erectile dysfunction


its like a trigger word around this place sometimes..



oh yeah get back to me in 30 years on that one boys
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:52 PM   #48
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Originally Posted by scott46 View Post
That joke is so old Columbus kicked the shit out of an Indian for telling him that one.
I can't believe you guys still haven't worked out it wasn't India.


5 bonus points for insulting 320 million people
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:52 PM   #49
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10 bonus points for pleasing 1.2 billion Indians
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Old 03-19-2017, 04:53 PM   #50
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anyone seen jill??

I might have said something I shouldn't have
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