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Old 08-20-2008, 11:50 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by HitnRunRomance View Post
We all know that no one is perfect, no one. Men and women are just different from one another, (thank God) and these differences come and go. I don't know all the answers here, but it would be wrong to just blame it all on the husband, that is so easy to do in todays world. You can't blame it all on the woman either. Yes, there are very neglectful husbands out there, but as anyone ever asked. "Is there something the other spouse is doing" to make him go in this direction? I don't wish to be any ones enemy here, certainly not a woman's. But there are reasons a man does what he does, and women do what they do.

There is an old book out there that may help, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". This certainly shed some light on this subject for me.
I have so much I could say about this.. so Ill try to make this as brief and to the point as I can:

"Is there something the other spouse is doing" to make him go in this direction? If you are saying that I have done something to make him go this way.. you are mistaken.. I have/had tried all that I knew to do to actually save my marriage for the past 5 years now.. but when I work 14 hr days and on call 2 or 3 nights a week so I can "support" him and his vodka habit... I dont think so.. When I sit him down..and ask "How was you day?" and he tells me (thinking I am trying to open up the lines of communication here) he tells me all about his day selling farm chemicals,etc.. Do you think for once that he asked me how my day was, offer to help with the kids, the house, anything? I have been very brutally honest with him about my wants and needs and feelings. He gives me no response. He simply does not care. I have actually offered to go to counseling with him which he flatly refuses. Ive offered an open marriage which to be honest, hes too lazy to go out and find him someone else..I have open the door to a divorce which he says he doesnt want (why should he? I support him financially} what else can I do??.. How else do you suppose I could "fix" my marriage.. and then when it got to the point I was LITERALLY beggin for sex.. and did that for several years.. I have had enough.. If you look at my pics, Im not an unattractive person.. believe me.. if he doesnt want sex.. hey thats ok now.. im way past that.. NOW I HAVE SOMEONE WHO DOES.. AND SITS ON GO WAITING FOR ONE MORE CHANCE TO BE WITH ME.. so i dont think i am so bad in the sack.

Some people just fall OUT of love at times and I truly believe that that is what has happened with him.. and hey thats ok with me.. because I now feel the same.. and have for several years now also

If you have suggestions or comments.. they are more than welcome..but please dont sit there and say that
But there are reasons a man does what he does, and insinuate that I have done something to cause him to treat me this way. I have given him no reason at all to treat me the way he does. Up until 2 1/2 months ago.. I had been 100% faithful in an 8 year marriage and I honestly tried my damnest.. SHIT HAPPENS!!



Last edited by gatorgal; 08-20-2008 at 11:55 PM.
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Old 08-25-2008, 10:53 AM   #27
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I have so much I could say about this.. so Ill try to make this as brief and to the point as I can:

"Is there something the other spouse is doing" to make him go in this direction? If you are saying that I have done something to make him go this way.. you are mistaken.. I have/had tried all that I knew to do to actually save my marriage for the past 5 years now.. but when I work 14 hr days and on call 2 or 3 nights a week so I can "support" him and his vodka habit... I dont think so.. When I sit him down..and ask "How was you day?" and he tells me (thinking I am trying to open up the lines of communication here) he tells me all about his day selling farm chemicals,etc.. Do you think for once that he asked me how my day was, offer to help with the kids, the house, anything? I have been very brutally honest with him about my wants and needs and feelings. He gives me no response. He simply does not care. I have actually offered to go to counseling with him which he flatly refuses. Ive offered an open marriage which to be honest, hes too lazy to go out and find him someone else..I have open the door to a divorce which he says he doesnt want (why should he? I support him financially} what else can I do??.. How else do you suppose I could "fix" my marriage.. and then when it got to the point I was LITERALLY beggin for sex.. and did that for several years.. I have had enough.. If you look at my pics, Im not an unattractive person.. believe me.. if he doesnt want sex.. hey thats ok now.. im way past that.. NOW I HAVE SOMEONE WHO DOES.. AND SITS ON GO WAITING FOR ONE MORE CHANCE TO BE WITH ME.. so i dont think i am so bad in the sack.

Some people just fall OUT of love at times and I truly believe that that is what has happened with him.. and hey thats ok with me.. because I now feel the same.. and have for several years now also

If you have suggestions or comments.. they are more than welcome..but please dont sit there and say that
But there are reasons a man does what he does, and insinuate that I have done something to cause him to treat me this way. I have given him no reason at all to treat me the way he does. Up until 2 1/2 months ago.. I had been 100% faithful in an 8 year marriage and I honestly tried my damnest.. SHIT HAPPENS!!


You can't fix it all by yourself as you have already figured out. It is ashame he wasn't interested, his loss, not yours. Good luck with your journey, I hope you find everything you want. Everyone deserves to be happy.

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Old 08-25-2008, 12:41 PM   #28
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Maybe the article wasn't as vague as it seemed, maybe the answers are right under our noses and we just can't see them.

Sometimes in a marriage, you just can't pinpoint where exactly things went wrong. People often look back and say, "when did things change between us?" When did we stop talking, when did we stop sharing, when did we stop making love, when did we stop being in love?

I think it is a gradual thing that happens over time, it happens so slowly that most times we don't even realize it is happening. It is the little things that gradually build up until finally we look at the other person and say who are you and why am I married to you?

It starts when the kids arrive, you are no longer a couple but a family. The kids require so much attention that when it finally gets quiet we just want to keep it that way. We sit in the living room, exhausted from the day, letting our minds wonder, watching TV, reading a book, cleaning up the dishes, tackling the mound of laundry, anything except spending time and conversation with our spouses. The kids get older, more activities outside the home, two parents running different directions. What the hell is family time anymore, much less alone time? When we go to bed, we don't talk, we think about tomorrow's agenda, the grocery list, an oil change, soccer practice, the presentation at work, fixing the screen door, the football game, the dance recital, picking up little Tommy a new pair of sneakers, paying the electric bill, the insurance, the car payment, the PTA meeting, the bowling league.

Our minds are far away from the person laying beside us. We don't think anything of it because tomorrow they will still be there. Every once in a while we might sneak out to dinner, and talk a bit, but it is catching up on things we should already know. We find a little time here and there for each other, but not like we used to. We get on, get off, and go to sleep.

The next morning we wake up and do it all over again not realizing that even though we share the same bed, we are growing apart and not paying attention to the other's needs. It isn't intentional, it just happens, after all we're parents and we're just trying to make it through the day.

At some point an issue comes up, and like strangers, we have different opinions, we argue, disagree and get frustrated. The arguing becomes more frequent, we're never on the same page. We each go our separate directions while still sharing the same bed. The kids get older and we're so oblivious we can't see how far we have grown apart from our spouses. We still talk, but we don't say anything, at least nothing that nurtures our relationship.

One day we realize that something has changed. He spends too much time in front of the TV, she spends too much time shopping. We miss what we used to have, the naked lazy days in bed spent laughing, talking and making love. We miss that physical connection, we miss the emotional connection. We just exist. No one wants to just exist, we want to live, laugh, and love. We want to give, we want to get, we want to share our lives with someone, not just exist with someone.

We still love them, but we are no longer in love with them. So what happened? When and where did it all go wrong? No one really knows exactly but it happened and now there is a family just existing.

She feels alone, he feels neglected, both rightfully so. He doesn't listen, she doesn't talk. Two strangers who share a bed and little else.

Thats why women leave, thats why men stray. We spent so much of our time just going through the motions that we have grown apart without even realizing it. It wasn't his fault, it wasn't her fault. Who would have ever thought that love required so much effort?

JMO............

Very well said Shiane. Thanks.
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Old 08-26-2008, 01:39 PM   #29
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Thanks for posting that article... (this is my first post here)

I found that article very informative. Of course every couple is different but those 2 parts seem to describe my situation very well.

I have made miserable, half-assed and failed attempts over the last several years to work on things, not sure if I have one more attempt left in me.

Emotionally, I wonder I have moved on, but it is certainly something to think about.

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Old 09-17-2008, 12:21 PM   #30
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what about when a man constantlly ask's if there's anything she need's done and get's a no...?? How about when he goes out of his way to do more around the house and is told not to...?? How about when a man coment's on something she's said and is met with nothing but critizism<-(?) and yelling...?? Yelling to the point the kid's are defending him...?? Trust me...it happen's. You women aren't the only one's who hurt...and l mean no disrespect there either.
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Old 09-17-2008, 12:41 PM   #31
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Relationships are quite complex. Each individual is different as the person they are partnered with. When I read an article like that, my first thought is ....relationships take a lot of hard work and need to be nurtured. Both people deserve love and respect and need to work towards the same goal together. When you don't have those common components, then it is doomed to cause misery.
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Old 09-18-2008, 06:58 AM   #32
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Originally Posted by Vampireskiss View Post
what about when a man constantlly ask's if there's anything she need's done and get's a no...?? How about when he goes out of his way to do more around the house and is told not to...?? How about when a man coment's on something she's said and is met with nothing but critizism<-(?) and yelling...?? Yelling to the point the kid's are defending him...?? Trust me...it happen's. You women aren't the only one's who hurt...and l mean no disrespect there either.
Women often believe that they are the only ones that hurt, that men are always the ugly and bad wolf, they are the ones who have created pain in this World.

My experience is that the bad wolves are often, women.
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Old 09-18-2008, 12:46 PM   #33
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Why Women Leave Men by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. Reprinted and edited with the permission of New Man Magazine.

"My husband is no longer my friend."

"The only time he pays attention to me is when he wants sex."

"He is never there for me when I need him the most."

"When he hurts my feelings he doesn't apologize."

"He lives his life as if we weren't married; he rarely considers me."

"We're like ships passing in the night, he goes his way and I go mine."

"My husband has become a stranger to me, I don't even know who he is anymore."

"He doesn't show any interest in me or what I do."
I can see clearly all of these reasons why a woman would leave her marriage or at least want some changes, it takes two to make a marriage work, it cant be all one sided or taken for granted by either one in any relationship.

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Women often believe that they are the only ones that hurt, that men are always the ugly and bad wolf, they are the ones who have created pain in this World.

My experience is that the bad wolves are often, women.
Both people in a relationship that is not working out well can be hurt badly, and it's not based on your sex who gets hurt the most or suffers the most.

I don't think it's fair to blame women or men for all the pain in the world, we need to take responsibility for our own actions or in some cases inaction. If I held this attitude and believe...with the father I had and the relationship I had with my husband, I would have to believe all men are sexed crazed creeps, abusive assholes, they are evil, controlling pricks who only care about themselves.

But I know this is not the case, not all men are like my husband or my father, so if that's true, then I have to realize it was them, it was their choice and actions, they acted the way they did without anyone telling them to, I cant lay blame because they are male.

Just saying...it takes two.
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Old 09-18-2008, 09:11 PM   #34
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Originally Posted by Shiane View Post
Maybe the article wasn't as vague as it seemed, maybe the answers are right under our noses and we just can't see them.

Sometimes in a marriage, you just can't pinpoint where exactly things went wrong. People often look back and say, "when did things change between us?" When did we stop talking, when did we stop sharing, when did we stop making love, when did we stop being in love?

I think it is a gradual thing that happens over time, it happens so slowly that most times we don't even realize it is happening. It is the little things that gradually build up until finally we look at the other person and say who are you and why am I married to you?

It starts when the kids arrive, you are no longer a couple but a family. The kids require so much attention that when it finally gets quiet we just want to keep it that way. We sit in the living room, exhausted from the day, letting our minds wonder, watching TV, reading a book, cleaning up the dishes, tackling the mound of laundry, anything except spending time and conversation with our spouses. The kids get older, more activities outside the home, two parents running different directions. What the hell is family time anymore, much less alone time? When we go to bed, we don't talk, we think about tomorrow's agenda, the grocery list, an oil change, soccer practice, the presentation at work, fixing the screen door, the football game, the dance recital, picking up little Tommy a new pair of sneakers, paying the electric bill, the insurance, the car payment, the PTA meeting, the bowling league.

Our minds are far away from the person laying beside us. We don't think anything of it because tomorrow they will still be there. Every once in a while we might sneak out to dinner, and talk a bit, but it is catching up on things we should already know. We find a little time here and there for each other, but not like we used to. We get on, get off, and go to sleep.

The next morning we wake up and do it all over again not realizing that even though we share the same bed, we are growing apart and not paying attention to the other's needs. It isn't intentional, it just happens, after all we're parents and we're just trying to make it through the day.

At some point an issue comes up, and like strangers, we have different opinions, we argue, disagree and get frustrated. The arguing becomes more frequent, we're never on the same page. We each go our separate directions while still sharing the same bed. The kids get older and we're so oblivious we can't see how far we have grown apart from our spouses. We still talk, but we don't say anything, at least nothing that nurtures our relationship.

One day we realize that something has changed. He spends too much time in front of the TV, she spends too much time shopping. We miss what we used to have, the naked lazy days in bed spent laughing, talking and making love. We miss that physical connection, we miss the emotional connection. We just exist. No one wants to just exist, we want to live, laugh, and love. We want to give, we want to get, we want to share our lives with someone, not just exist with someone.

We still love them, but we are no longer in love with them. So what happened? When and where did it all go wrong? No one really knows exactly but it happened and now there is a family just existing.

She feels alone, he feels neglected, both rightfully so. He doesn't listen, she doesn't talk. Two strangers who share a bed and little else.

Thats why women leave, thats why men stray. We spent so much of our time just going through the motions that we have grown apart without even realizing it. It wasn't his fault, it wasn't her fault. Who would have ever thought that love required so much effort?

JMO............
Very good, Shiane!

I liken a failing marriage to an automobile. In the beginning, it is all new and shiny, having that "new car smell" to it. You work like hell to take good care of it, washing, waxing, vacuuming the interior, changing the oil, to keep it in tip top shape. All of a sudden, out of the blue, you put a big dent in the fender. You can get mad that it happened then go and get it fixed, or let the dent stay there figuring, "it's only one dent!". As the car gets a little older, more scratches and dents get added to the original. On top of that, the engine is starting to make some funny noises. What do you do? Take it to the garage and get it fixed so it will be good as new or do you just turn up the radio, to drown out the funny noises? Sooner or later, the noises can't be drowned out any longer since the car quits running. It's usually at that point we have a distinct choice to make...put alot of time and money into it to fix it or trade it in for a newer model. Either way, it's a choice we have to make and hope like hell we don't get a lemon!
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Old 09-19-2008, 11:12 AM   #35
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Originally Posted by AnnieGeee View Post
I can see clearly all of these reasons why a woman would leave her marriage or at least want some changes, it takes two to make a marriage work, it cant be all one sided or taken for granted by either one in any relationship.



Both people in a relationship that is not working out well can be hurt badly, and it's not based on your sex who gets hurt the most or suffers the most.

I don't think it's fair to blame women or men for all the pain in the world, we need to take responsibility for our own actions or in some cases inaction. If I held this attitude and believe...with the father I had and the relationship I had with my husband, I would have to believe all men are sexed crazed creeps, abusive assholes, they are evil, controlling pricks who only care about themselves.

But I know this is not the case, not all men are like my husband or my father, so if that's true, then I have to realize it was them, it was their choice and actions, they acted the way they did without anyone telling them to, I cant lay blame because they are male.

Just saying...it takes two.
I think you are correct. NO one can blame one gender for all the pain. I was provoking as usual there, ANNIE GEE, because all over do I hear..that it is always the man who is at fault...
I do write about relationships: the faults are never black or white, always grey and shared in most cases.
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